Every once in a while we get bored of going out and decide to throw a house party for our friends. Over the years we have learned some tips and tricks which we hope to pass on to future generations of party-throwers...
Throwing a house party in Egypt, much like anywhere else in the world, has its trials and tribulations, but it's not without merit. Basically it's one of two things; either all of your efforts will pay off and you and your guests (who will not always be your friends) will have a kick ass time or your house will end up on fire. Don't fret, either way we guarantee that you will come out of the experience a better man/women. So without further ado, CairoScene's top ten things you need to know before throwing a house party in Egypt.
Know that the people you invite are not going to be the only people to show up. House parties are a rare commodity especially good ones, so if you're known to have a nice crib or a nice sound system, or even a working fridge and a carpet to ruin, everyone is going to come. EVERYONE!
Know that your bawab will come snooping. Bawabs are anomalous creatures; they sleep with their eyes open and can hear a needle drop on the roof while sleeping in their stairwell cave habitats. According to Bawab Planet, bawabs will always refrain from calling the police on their prey since the bawab is the first creature to be dragged to the police station for questioning in the case of a report. They are only threatening you, they want nothing but a couple of tenners to buy me3asil and coal for their shisha. Do not panic and stop the party; offer a bribe!
Know that in any communion that involves boys, girls, drugs, and/or booze, sex is the probable outcome, so prepare beforehand; lock any room you do not want to be used for sex, but do not lock all rooms - you don't want people fucking in the corridor. Understand that drunk couples that are horny for each other will fuck anywhere, so leave some rooms open, remove the expensive linens and just throw any old rag on there - you will have to dispose of it after anyway.
Know that in Egypt when you tell someone BYOB and not explain that it means bring your own booze, they will automatically think it means you bought oodles of bottles, and will always come empty handed. Do not depend on the BYOB notice, try to find as many empty bottles as you can, fill them with the cheapest Egyptian shit alcohol you can find, and only give it to those who come empty handed, they will pass out after three drinks and you can proceed to feed them to your Bawab. Good riddance!
Know that as long as people are smoking and your house does not have a zero gravity simulator, your floors will be covered with heaps of ash. Do not try to clean it as it will only re-spawn as soon as you turn your back; do not try to put ash trays around the house - in fact hide them all before the party starts, they will only end up falling on the floor with all the ash and butts, and potentially breaking, adding glass and plastic to the mix. Instead try to accept the mountainous heaps of ash, think of it as snow. Who wants to make ash angels everybody?!
Know that your friends like drugs and alcohol. Your friends also like your pets. Hence they will probably try to inebriate your pets. If your cat looks particularly out of it or your dog is passed out upside down on the sofa, know it was your friends' fault. Hide your pets.
Know that there will always be that one guy that took way too many drugs and as everyone else is crashing, he is still going hard. This is normal, give him a few minutes, an hour max. If he's still going strong, fetch that Egyptian shit booze. "Yo Omar, I made you a kamikaze bruh."
Know that the parents of most of the girls that are in your house have no idea that they are there, so inform the DJ that the only special requests that he has to take are to stop the music in order for girls to make phone calls to mama and tell her they're watching The Lion King at their friend's house. People might get a bit feisty from doing this repeatedly, but worry not because most parents are losers that go to sleep early and usually try to call their kids to make sure they are ok so that they can sleep worry-free. If a girl's parents call her past 1 AM, kick her the fuck out of there; they might have gotten a tip and could be close. Unlike bawabs, parents will call the police to put an end to your all nighter rave. Tread carefully.
Know that your maid might have a heart attack when she sees the mess you and your friends left behind. Have some Vicodin ready for her arrival to prevent her from panicking herself into a heart episode, after she's calm have some speed handy to give her that much needed boost she will need to get her through the week needed to clean up the house. Give her an extra fifty, she deserves it.
And finally you should know that the creepy weird guy thats been hanging around the house with you and your family for the two weeks following the party - who nobody knew at the party either - claiming he is 'Omar's friend', is not Omar's friend at all, call the police!
Illustrations by Ganna Hashem.