No matter how much you eat, you will always be underweight to grandma.
Since Eid is upon us, that means extra family time. And extra family time at an Egyptian home, although endearing and lovely and all that good stuff, can also be a bit overbearing and make you question your entire existence. Here's a list of the relatives we all know and have a love/hate relationship with at every Eid gathering.
The Weight-Watcher Aunt
Crushing your self-esteem since ’98, this aunt is keen on ensuring you don’t feel bomb in that new Eid dress. Whether you’ve gained a few pounds or lost them, this relative will want you to know that you’re either too skinny this Eid or too chubby, even if you are exactly the same weight you were when you last saw her.
The One-Upping Uncle
This uncle thinks everything you do, he can do better. If he’s not the cool uncle who wants to fit in with the shabab, then he definitely has an overachieving son that makes you look like shit in front of your parents. Prepare yourself this Eid to hear more of your one-upping uncle’s heroic stories. Smile and nod, kids. Smile and nod.
The Force-Feeding Grandma
If your Grandma isn’t force-feeding you, is she actually your grandma? We think not. And Eid is one of those occasions where this claim continues to prove itself. Remember kids, your grandma will not believe that this is your second round of food. To her, you will never be eating enough, so don’t fight a losing battle.
The Cousin with All the Kids
We hate this one. We really do. The moment your careless cousin gave birth to three annoying spawns of satan, you began seeing an ear doctor because you were sure you were going deaf. These kids are obnoxious, ill-mannered, and the reason you didn’t go to the family gathering last Eid. And what makes it worse is that your cousin doesn’t seem to think her precious little angels are the reincarnation of the plague.
The Political Parent
Okay so, this one isn’t necessarily a parent, but they’ll most definitely school you on the latest conspiracy theories. "Oh you think food is expensive now? No habibi, that’s what they want you to think." Who ‘they’ is, we will never know.
The Crying Baby
Is it a Eid gathering if there isn’t a crying baby in the background of all your family drama? Of course not. This is a test of endurance we all inevitably fail. Except we thank God the baby isn’t ours and that we only have to hear its continuous crying during this blessed Eid season.
The Family Disappointment
This one left med school to be an artist and is conveniently a middle child as well. The family disappointment comes in different forms. And he/she will most definitely be the butt of all the jokes this Eid. Protect this one.
Main Image by New York Times.