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Twilight Breaking Dawn: Part 2

Finally, someone speaks some sense about the all-too-long Twilight Saga: Vampires should be bad ass. Breaking Dawn is just bad.

Unfortunately, Twilight is a critic-proof saga and no matter how much I hate on it, it’ll still break box-office records. So with the last Twilight film upon us, I thought it would be rather interesting to explore the true story of how vampires came to being:

In 1454, a ruler emerged in Transylvania (of modern day Romania). His name was Vlad “the Impaler” Dracul. His sadistic methods of torture spread fear amongst his people. In a six-year reign, it is estimated he killed a total of 80,000 to 200,000 citizens. The story goes that Vlad lost his wife to suicide; his brother was buried alive and father was assassinated. When he was imprisoned, he would torture insects by driving needles through their bodies. Shortly after his release, he rose to power and used the same methods on humans. His favorite method of slaughter was forcing his victim to sit on a sharp stake; once pierced, he would use his victim’s blood and flesh for meals.

On one occasion, he gathered all beggars, cripples and elders to a hall. He asked them if they wanted to live the rest of their lives with no work whatsoever. Naturally, they all cheered. He smiled, left the room and burned the house down. Another time, a group of kids were caught stealing apples. He then ordered them to be buried with air holes and some water so they could eat each other alive and, in return, live longer. The last survivor was rewarded with freedom and gold.

It is said that an army of Ottoman soldiers marched to end his reign. When they saw the thousands of rotten bodies piled up around his empire, they fled in fear. So there you have it, the tale that inspired Bram Stoker to mix fact with fiction in Dracula. Plenty of vampire films soon followed. FW Murnau couldn’t secure copyrights, so he released his historic silent film under the title Nosfertu.

For nearly a century now, films revolving around so-called vampires have haunted the thoughts of many generations. My favorite two vampire films are Interview with a Vampirewith Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt, and the most faithful adaptation of the legend, Bram Stoker’sDracula by The Godfather director, Francis Ford Coppola.

Now, in this post-Bieber era (try saying that out loud), vampires have been reduced to star-crossed lovers instead of villains of the night. Utter the word “vampire” and the first thing that comes to mind is a vegetarian teenager who sparkles with glitter when exposed to sunlight. Long gone are the tales of shock and horror. If only someone could show Vlad the Impaler what his legacy has come down to, maybe he would have changed his bloodthirsty methods and spared us from all the Twilight movies.

Breaking Dawn: Part 2 isn’t even a full movie. The latest Hollywood trend is to split profitable films in half to milk as much green paper from eager fans as possible. For some franchises, this seems like a legitimately reasonable solution such as the upcoming Hobbit films. But here, there isn’t enough content to warrant a split in this case. In fact, it feels like a one-hour film stretched into two. Breaking Yawn would’ve been a much more suitable title.

Bella is now a vampire, her baby is growing rapidly and the Volturi see her as a threat to their power. It all builds up to this lame battle, and then the film pulls the rug from underneath us with perhaps the worst twist in film history. Did I see it coming? Nope. Though I wish I had because I would’ve walked out. It’s as easy and time-wasting as the old “it was all a dream”cliché.

My other problem is with Jacob’s subplot. I don’t care if “imprinting” is part of the wolf tribe or not, watching a fully-grown man in love and attached to a seven year-old girl isn’t only creepy; it’s just plain wrong. You know what else is wrong? Twilight is a billion dollar franchise and still showcases CGI effects worse than lame TV movies. But fear not, the horror has indeed come to an end.


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