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Ask Sheikh Mosh-Killa

Got a problem? Well, you will be accountable to God and History.

Dear Mr MK,
I am still new to Egypt and scared to leave my house… I have stocked up on hot dogs and bottled water in anticipation of another country-wide shutdown. What else do you think I should buy and could you possibly sort out a delivery service for me?
Kind Regards,
J

Number one: Due to their phallic shape, eating hot dogs, especially as a woman, is haram. They were invented by the heathens and blasphemes of the West and eating a hot dog makes you accountable to God and History. It represents the shadow of evil within all of us. A hot dog is the Devil’s penis.

Number two: The world will end on 2012 as the Mayans predicted, but only for you, not for us. There’s no point in stocking up. God likes us more; we don’t eat hot dogs.

Number three: You shouldn’t leave your house without your mehrem anyway. Please stock up on termis if you have to, and in the future only speak when you’re spoken to, woman.

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Hi,
It’s really hard to meet new people in Egypt. I keep seeing the same people at the same places and it’s seriously impacted my love life. Where can I meet a new guy without it being creepy (like online dating)?
Dina
 
Clearly, your parents are not looking hard enough. How old are you 16? 17? You are too old at this point to be picky. Personally, I like to use singlemuslim.com but beware: in the dark enchanted doors of the interwebz, you will be tempted every so often by the Devil’s hand in the form of sexually explicit banner ads. Do not click on them or you will be accountable to God and History.
 
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Mr. M-K,
I recently found out through el7asheshbkam that I’ve been overpaying for hash. What should I do?
M.
 
Pray to God that he forgives you for smoking the Devil’s other penis. May that blunt burn unto your lungs and leave you drowned in the eternal fire. Also if you overpay for drugs, you are accountable to God and History. I have hook up in Saudi. I’ll get you better deal.
 
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Hey,
I’ve always had a problem confirming to religion, and now with all the beards and Islamic propaganda, I think I’ve been pushed into atheism. Am I going to hell? 
Khaled
 
Jesus Christ! What a stupid question. Of course you are, habibi.

 


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