His Excellency Hassan Hassan has some ideas. His VP Beyoncé agrees.
So last week, colleagues at my office decided to joke about me becoming the next president of Egypt. We laughed about it for a bit and it was lovely morning fodder (just enough teasing without getting vicious and the right amount of bitching without shit getting dark). Little did they know that I have since been obsessed with the idea. The things I would do. The people I would arrest. The things I would fix.
Obviously the first step into my foray into politics would have to involve knowing something about politics. Since it was a time of political turmoil it seemed fair to start with the newly formed Egyptian constitution. Now, since my campaign is based entirely on transparency, I must clarify something: I know nothing about politics. Like, zero. I know that capitalists like money, live in America and have private jets. I know communism was like all for one and one for all blah blah blah, the UN doesn’t do anything and something about treaties and shit. How would I learn this? How would I fulfill my destiny of saving Egypt? What is my campaign slogan going to be? Do it? Should I call a Kennedy?
I needed clarity. So I melted some cheese and clicked shuffle on iTunes (my go-to Zen state) and as I sang along to Bills, Bills, Bills, it came to me. I would use what I know. I would stay true to the essence of my campaign. I might not know politics, but I definitely know late 90s RnB. I was going to write my constitution according to the commandments listed in the number one hit-selling, record-breaking album The Writing’s On the Wall by Destiny’s Child.
Thou Shall Not Hate
This is pretty self-explanatory. You won’t be judged on your religion, your race, your creed or whatever else it is you choose to label yourself as. We as a government do not give a fuck. Just please pay your taxes, don’t drive like a maniac and steal, kill, rape or annoy anyone and we’re so good.
Thou Shall Not Bug
We, as a race, are pretty fucking annoying. So one of the main things in this section of the commandments is we will all, on an individual level, try to be less annoying as individuals. This includes showering. It also includes not yelling like a maniac, pushing, shoving or walking annoyingly slow in the streets.
Thou Shall Pay Bills
Taxes. All of you motherfuckers best believe if you’re going to start a revolution, you’re going to be putting your money where your mouth is. This means legitimate alcohol stores where you can buy things and pay some kind of tax. Yes, this also means spending more money on cigarettes. Because –newsflash – this is what civilization is. Paying for shit. Did you know that in Denmark, the happiest place in the world, they pay almost half their income to the government? In return, that means quality schools and healthcare for everyone. Your taxes need to be going back into the country, God knows where they are going now, but you get what you pay for. This also means community tax, paying a lump sum to the district that you live in for general upkeep. Yes, this means fixing roads, introducing sidewalks, painting buildings and cleaning up all of that garbage. We will hire motherfuckers (urban planners, restoration experts, that kind of thing) from the world over to come in and consult. We need to start somewhere and once the more affluent areas are taken care of, the willingness to pay will be affected by general aesthetic and then we will tackle more destitute areas, which will require more money and time anyway. We need an aspirational environment. An environment where people can grow and flourish and do all that good shit. You’re welcome.
Oh also while we’re on the subject of money, don’t we borrow shitloads from like the whole world? Where is that going? Where is the money we’re spending to ban porn? Why are we not posting ridiculous bail on all those motherfuckers in jail? I’m sure that Ezz guy would pay a few billion to be home free and still have enough to tide him over in Tahiti or some shit. What use is he in jail? Give me his money to fix this shit. I’m going to need it.
Thou Shall Not Think You Got it Like That
This means we’re going to stop relying on the past and really looking towards the future. Yes, Egypt is amazing and 7000 years old, Pharoahs, whatever. Om El Donia needs a fucking facelift. That means schools and hospitals. While the people in power seem to think beachwear and postmortem sex are top priority, we are raising retards. We’re shutting down the schools for a year, revamping the curriculum (to include sex education, physical education and things like drama, art and music that will keep these kids inside the school as opposed to walking around leering at foreigners and torturing cats) and teaching these kids to use their brains as opposed to memorise things that stopped being important in 1972. I’m sure we could also get a few technological sponsors to pimp out the schools. If HP is offering $50,000 to Project Runway winners, imagine the PR they would get from fixing up a few schools in Africa.
Thou Shall Now When He’s Got To Go
Look honestly, when it comes to parliament and shit, I’m going to have to get a really good VP to just deal with all of that. But I will have rules on how long people can stay. This whole let’s do this forever just has got to not be a thing. I propose 6 year terms for ministers and then they’re voted in and shit by the people. This can only happen twice. 12 years is about enough time for anyone, including the president. New people, new blood, new ideas and all that stuff. (How do you find a vice president?)
Thou Shall Get Your Party On
Not everyone has to party, but all of this focus on masturbation and alcohol and drugs makes people want to do it so much more. Ladies, leave your man at home and have some fucking fun. If Tahrir is anything to go by, Egyptians like crowds and festivals and we should totally come together for fun things like concerts and stuff instead of just toppling presidents/regimes/the army. How about some kind of carnival/park situation? You like that, huh? But let’s aim for more Coachella, less Woodstock.
Thou Shall Know When She Can’t Love You
This is all about sexual harassment. Ladies, you will be encouraged to show your shoulders. You will be encouraged to walk down the street. An entire segment of the police force will be specifically trained in order to make sure you are comfortable walking down the street of your area without worrying about rape/abuse/general discomfort. The government will set up a department in the police specifically targeted to protect Egyptian womenfolk. There will also be a hotline for women to call to make sure that Egyptian ladies are protected. Anybody who so much as utters a psst in your direction will be sentenced to one week in jail. No exceptions. Their second offence will get them two weeks in jail and by the third time you will be sent to a correctional facility where offenders are forced to watch porn with their hands tied, you know, so they can’t pleasure themselves.
There will also be classes added to school curricula (see above) that teaches young boys to respect women and self-defense classes for young girls to beat the shit out of any piece of shit scum bag that decides to leer at her for not covering her pinky toe. Severe punishment and education are the only solutions.
Thou Shall Say My Name
This means absolutely nothing, but is a pretty good way to end this, no?