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Five 'Meant For Children' Fails

Yes, they say children are growing up quicker these days, but some of the toys and tales, especially made for kids, are seriously creepy...

Most of us look back at our childhood with a nostalgic flare, coveting a time of innocence and virtue. But where there are nuns, there will always be perverts. And it’s incredible how many books/games/films/toys were created, that must have had their creators in fits, whilst they probably sported a joint and an endless collection of kiddie porn. While it was certainly a fierce competition, we decided to narrow it down to five of some of the most fucked up things that were meant for kids, but that are absurdly inappropriate. 

1. "Games You Can Play With Your Pussy" (a book)

While shortlisted for a Nobel Prize, we haven’t actually read the book. But it’s safe to say, the cover itself speaks volumes on the art of pussy perversion. If you’re looking to raise your beautiful little princess into a “princess” who works at a run down bar named ‘Zone Romantica’ in some hidden corner of Eastern Europe, this book is available on Amazon. Twat-lovers around the world, this one’s for you… Whoops, we mean, CAT-lovers. *shifty eyes*

2. The Nursery Rhyme: "Pussy in the Well"

Ding Dong Bell,
Pussy's in the well.
Who put her in?
Little Tommy Lin.
Who pulled her out?
Little Tommy Trout.
What a naughty boy was that,
To drown poor little Pussy cat,
Who never did him any harm,
But killed the mice in his father's barn. 

So maybe its just us being a bit pervy, but let’s be honest… when you get words like “pussy”, “in”, and “out” all in the same sentence, there HAD to have been some sexual intention. Not to mention, the imagery of the well, and two little boys pulling ‘it’ in and out…? That’s a shit load of subliminal communication right there! 

3. 

This one is so obvious, it almost doesn’t need any explanation. We mean, for fuck’s sake just look at the diagram. This “game” seems like it would only be appropriate at a gratuitously sexual hen party… Needless to say, totally too kinky for kids.

4. The Disney Mishaps

Yeah, by now we have all had our Disney innocence disheveled. Someone at the animation department at Disney totally squirted a load all over our favourites like Lion King, The Rescuers Down Under, Aladdin, and many more. But perhaps the most subtle, yet offensive of the “gaffes” was in The Little Mermaid. When the witch-turned-hottie is walking down the aisle to marry Prince Eric, if you stop the screen on the frame of the priest… you will see a conspicuous little bump emerging from his robes. That’s right, he’s got a hard on. While attempts were made to sue Disney for this, the company merely dismissed the allegations by claiming it was the priest’s knee and not his joystick.

5. Toys like These...

Glitter Poo:

  

We all know of those girls who walk as though they tread on water, nose in the air, cocked eye brows, and stilettos that mean business. They usually lack a sense of personality, will spend life thriving from daddy’s bank account and unto that of their husbands. Well, perhaps we have toys like this to blame: The Glitter Poo. If we stop to consider what exactly the “message” might convey to little girls… it quite literally suggest that it is possible that your shit don’t stink. Implications aside, what kind of sane little girl wants to play with a toy that deals with the digestive system of some kind of pink half dog half bunny? Imagine receiving this piece of shit (pun intended) under your Christmas tree… yeeeesh!

'Shave the Baby':

This toy was probably targeting South Asian children. Oh, and Arabs. Afterall, we are a bunch of hairy mother fuckers. But the hilarity stems from 1) the fact that the baby is a ginger, and 2) You get to shave his (her?) private parts. What sort of self-respecting parent would find it necessary to teach their little boy/girl of the perils of puberty in such a twisted way?Not to mention so prematurely. Can we also take a second to admire the graphics that embellish the box? Those aren’t artsy paint strokes, they are little globules of hair. Mmmm I’LL TAKE 5 OF THESE BABIES!


Todays Events
Test
Competition
Date: 11/26/2020
Time: 5:30pm - 8:30pm
Venue: Goethe Institute