Bitches have feelings too but, as Sally Sampson realises, self-loathing might just be the most poisonous feeling of them all.
Self-hatred is one of the worst things in the world. For me, it’s all the way up there with genocide, nuclear warfare and goat’s cheese. And while it is, of course, endlessly amusing watching characters on television like George Costanza from Seinfeld, destroy every possible shot they have at living a contented and victorious life, I myself have struggled in finding the same ‘if I laugh any harder, I’ll have to stop and pee into a plant pot’ hilarity every time I’ve paused to examine my own insecurities and self-loathing tendencies.
I say this because these days I’m quite disappointed in myself. You see, I’ve been quite upset recently and, with the curfew, I’ve had more than my fair share of time to be introspective (as we all have), so I’ve been trying to work out the ultimate source of my misery because I’m tired of being a killjoy all the time.
And I’ve reached the conclusion that the reason I’m miserable is on account of how a number of individuals in my life have been treating me and I can’t believe that that is why I’ve been emotionally all over the place for quite some time now…(just because I’m a BITCH, doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings!) But hey, the joke’s on me, because I know as cheesy as it sounds, Eleanor Roosevelt was right when she said that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. And I’ve not only given my consent, I’ve bought the T-shirt and the franchise to get the word out faster…
In a face-off with myself, I know that no one is to blame for what’s been happening or how I feel more than me. The truth is I have made myself into a human piñata over the years. I love self-deprecating humour and I’ve happily made fun of myself for the majority of my life, but I’ve never really drawn the line when it comes to others taking cruel jabs at my expense, especially when a comment is quickly followed by a fake smile and a muffled “just kidding!” Like that somehow makes them calling me a fat ugly cunt better…cheers!
The reason I rate self-hatred so high up on the list of things I’d like to get rid of permanently and eradicate off the face of the earth (along with mosquitoes because I hate those little buggers!) is because in many ways it is the internal equivalent of genocide and nuclear warfare…it takes no prisoners and destroys everything in sight, even your ability to defend yourself.
Self-loathing is a slow, self-centred, isolating poison that you don’t detect entering your system. It kills every seed of possibility, every ounce of originality, every hint of resistance and quickly forces you to settle for a life where you sit cross-legged in a little box labelled ‘average’. And not only are you stuck in that little box, you are stuck in there with a super fucking wedgie that you are afraid to sort out because the voices in your head are too busy trying to work out who else has got a super fucking wedgie, if you’re the only person with a super fucking wedgie, whether or not it’s the acceptable thing to sort out your super fucking wedgie….
I know I’m not alone in this.
And I’ve come to realise that every time I pinch the inch of fat around my waist and call myself fat, every time I call myself stupid for not understanding something straight away and every time I chastise myself for not achieving absolute perfection in everything I do, I literally hand over my emotions and a ‘come walk all over my carcass’ guilt-free pass to all of those people that I’m complaining about now. I’m complaining even though I’ve invited them to hit me. I’m hurt even though I’ve passed them the bat and asked them to take a swing at my head.
But I’m writing this today, because I’m DONE! I’m done with being invisible until it is convenient. And I’m done with people that I prioritise fitting me into their schedules once they're done dealing with everyone and everything else in their lives as opposed to actually making time and space for me in their daily rounds. That shit just ain’t good enough anymore…and it can SUCK it!
I came across this quote as well recently from a book called There is Nothing Wrong With You by Cheri Huber that pretty much sums up my diatribe today.
“If you had a person in your life treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago...”
Now if you’ll kindly excuse me….I have a super fucking wedgie I need to sort out.