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Grow the Fuck Up

Love Blows. Blow Rocks.

There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s Mr.Mosh-Killa.

Dear Mr. Mosh-Killa,
Every guy I meet is younger than me and I’ve always said I wouldn’t date anyone younger. I’m quite mature for my age (24) and I can’t put up with tomfoolery of young guys. I need someone stable and intelligent but they don’t seem to exist. Should I get over my phobia of the younger kids or should I hold out?
Dina

Oh Dina, Dina, Dina. Age is just a number and time is only an illusion. The problem is most Egyptian men of 24-years have the mental age of a 15 year old, but is that such a bad thing? Would you rather be wasting away your best romantic years with a grey haired sugar daddy taking you to stale meals at the Four Seasons discussing the fiscal cliffs effect on his chemical production company’s stock prices or running about Maadi high as a kite on LSD drawing penises on walls and making out in bushes? Maybe it’s not their fault and you just need to re-connect with your inner child. Personally, I like to date younger girls who are easier to manipulate, whack over the head with a hammer, and take back to your cave. You know what I always say: If there’s grass on the wicket… play cricket.

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Mr. M-K,
My clothes keep disappearing. I think my maid might be stealing them but I can’t be sure and I don’t want to accuse her of something she didn’t do. What should I do?
Farah

This is almost an age old Egyptian tradition, isn’t it? Oh the dichotomy and politics of dealing with the best actresses in the world, The Egyptian Maid. It’s a tricky situation: running around the house screaming ‘THIEF’ to high hell isn’t cool because you’ll probably have a flashback of yourself wasted, singing I Like Big Butts from last night and realise you left your iPod at your friends house. That seldom happens though.

The irritating thing is the strange sense of entitlement they have; “Oh they’re rich and everything, they won’t notice if I take their 5,000 LE spare phone, I could do more with it”. Well no, fuck you Elham, I needed that to sell so I could pay for my rent, my other phone is an old Nokia, and I can barley afford my table at Tamarai tonight. Inconsiderate. That’s just one incident. I’ve also had underwear stolen from me which the man maid then had the audacity to come in wearing . What can you even say to something like that? I also suspect I’ve had a couple of coins of  hash stolen from me, so I told my mother that cleaner was showing me porn on his Nokia to get rid of him. To be fair, he did do that but he was only trying to be my friend. I’ve also had maids come into my room after an accusation, lifting their galabeyas up to reveal their pantyhose screaming  “ana mish harameya, ana mish harameya!!!” That really scared me so I fired her. The main trick they usually play is to hide an item of clothing and wait for you to ask about it; if you don’t then she’ll probably just take it.

I think the best thing to do is to fight back with love. Every once and a while just give her a nice item of clothing you don’t wear any more. If she’s taken anything she’ll feel super guilty and probably return it. If she hasn’t, she’s not going to repeat the same sin.

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Mr. M-K,
All my friends are giving me a hard time because I’m too lazy/tired to go out and party anymore. What should I do?
Jasmin

Some coke.

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Hey,
My sweatpants are the only thing that fit me right now, which makes it hard to dress for work. What should I do?
Sarah

Lose weight.

You can send all your dramas and dilemmas to Mr. Mosh-Killa on info@cairoscene.com or Tweet him at @MrMoshKilla


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