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Pets, Pounds & #FatGirlProblems

An apple a day… keeps them fat cats who own the apple industry rich.

Mr. M-K,
Nowadays I can’t find happiness except in food and alcohol… Is there an end to this melancholy?

Happiness comes in many different exterior forms, youngling, but none of these compare to the ecstasy that can be found within. The main reason alcohol is shunned upon in many a religion is because it detaches you from the beauty that surrounds us every second of every day that should be appreciated without having to be under the influence. Food will not make you feel excitement either; once it’s in your colon it’s just shit, isn’t it? Learn to love yourself and world will love you back. Melancholy is simply a by-product of fear, a fear to interact with the world and to live! Wake up! Also, try ecstasy.


Dear Mr. Mosh-Killa,
I am the oldest of 3 and, as we all know, the oldest gets blamed for everything. But my dad has taken it on a new level. There is a 10 year gap between my brother and I and he literally abuses me: I do 50% of his work (my mom does the other 50%). I do it because I don’t want him to fail and end up in my basement. But on top of that, he is extremely rude and disrespectful and we get into major fights. 90% of the time, I’m right but my dad always sides with him without even hearing what happened. He thinks I’m this evil spirit who tortures my brother, and is out to get him. What should I do other than move out ASAP?

Imagine for a second that we are eternal souls, constantly re-incarnated in different bodies and the family you are born into is chosen to give you the best life lessons possible, and my soul was born into an imaginary internet agony uncle in a pink spandex onesie to point you in the direction of this fact. Your family is important but YOUR life is more important. The time has come and you deserve to be treated by your family the way you want to be or forever feed into this unhealthy cycle. You’re not helping your little brother by doing his work and your not helping yourself by letting your father walk all over you. Stand up for yourself and explain how you feel. They will understand because they are your family. Also, try ecstasy.


Mr. Mosh-Killa,
I have a problem with compulsive eating. I don’t eat because I’m hungry, I just eat because…well, for no good reason, besides the fact that I like food, but the problem is that I genuinely can’t stop. I keep eating even when i’m completely stuffed. How do I get some control over this?

Diet plans obviously aren’t working for you so I’ll give you two alternative options. A) Develop an expensive cocaine habit: you will not feel hungry when high off your ass and you will not have money to buy food. B) Just have a look at this whenever you get hungry:


I’m really broke… How can I make money fast?

Deal coke to Sandra.


To Mr. Mosh-Killa,
I really want a pet but I am never home… Is there anywhere I can go to play with dogs and cats?

Yes! Gezirah Club on a Friday morning, but I don’t think you’ll be able to get away with it for more than one weekend before seeming slightly mentally handicapped by playing with strangers’ pets.

You can send all your dramas and dilemmas to Mr. Mosh-Killa on or Tweet him at @MrMoshKilla

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