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The Handjob of the Future

Save the Turkeys!

Californian heroine saves the lives of two turkeys this Thanksgiving, giving them spa treatments in the process...

With Thanksgiving around the bend, we’re all keen to sink our teeth into the tender taste of turkey, and basically fall into a ridiculous food coma. And by we, mind you, that does not include Californian animal rescuer, Karen Dawn.

The epitome of all that is charitable in this world, Dawn saved the lives of two turkeys, which she generously named Jessica and Anne. Arriving at the good Samaritan’s home, Jessica and Anne were given spa treatments, complete with blow dries and baths. Consequently, these are two turkeys that will be the guests of honour this Thanksgiving, hobbling around in good health, instead of adorning a serving dish.

We believe Dawn deserves a Nobel Peace prize, as she explained her actions, "I do this as a fun way to send a serious message -- most people would be unaware that most animal cruelty laws exempt farm animals and turkeys are not even covered under federal humane slaughter laws -- so their lives and deaths for our holiday celebration are unconscionably painful.”

Her explanation draws attention to a pressing cause of concern. How on Earth did humanity overlook the fact that turkeys are not addressed under federal humane slaughter laws? We suppose somewhere between the government shutting down, the global economic crises, hunger in the horn of Africa, and the typhoon in the Philippines, the pressing matter fell between the cracks of policy agendas. Shame on us!

In any case, Dawn is also hosting a donation drive, of which all the proceeds will be directed towards ensuring the life of luxury for the two turkeys. –Ahem, a long life.