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Vegetables and Vaginas

When life hands you lemons, squeeze the citrus into your eyes so you can feel what real pain is.

Hi,
My relationship has been over for more than a year now and I still can’t get over my ex! Help me Mr.Mosh-Killa!
Sarah

Dear Sarah,

I’m going to take a page from Buddha here and tell you to stop resisting and embrace change. You will never grow or evolve as a person if you’re constantly attached to the past; the only constant in the universe is change so follow the signs and move on. If it’s meant to be then it will be when you’re ready for it. For the time being, live your life and search out new genitalia to play with. Whenever your man does pop into your head, just force yourself to think about something else which is good for you. Don’t think about how her dimples looked when you made her laugh, how she’s the only one who understood your dark poetry, the sexy nights when it seemed like you were in a porno which you now masturbate to when you’re alone in your bed…OH I MISS HER SO MUCH! Wait, what was your question?

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Mr. M-K,
I’m debating becoming a vegetarian, but I’m afraid it will make me less of a man. What should I do?
Mark

Dear Mark,

Good question Mark, I have actually recently become a vegetarian myself and as yet, it has not turned me gay. We are not in the fucking Troglodyte era. As humans we have evolved on from whacking saber-toothed tigers for our brunch; we can survive off sustainable and organic produce. And if you’re talking about manliness, that’s evolved too. It is not manly to condone the killing of cute little rabbits and deer just so your shit can have a slightly different consistency. Frankly, it’s just mean. Gout is not manly. Obesity is not manly. Diabetes is not manly. E Coli, Salmonella and Mad Cow Disease aren’t manly. What I can tell you is, bitches love a sensitive vegan or any guy passionate about nature so if you can convince her, there’s only one piece of meat she’ll want to get her hands on…

The transition can be hard though, so every time you start thinking about ordering a Double Big Mac or see someone slicing into a perfectly-cooked, juicy, rare Wagyu beef steak or wrapping their mouth around a fresh box of hot Shrimpo from KFC… OH I’M SO HUNGRY! Wait, what was your question?

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Mr. M-K,
I’ve just moved to Cairo and so far adjusting well. I have a great job, friends and flat. However, I’ve recently started having strange feelings. I think I may be attracted to women but don’t know if its just due to the complete lack of suitable men in Egypt or if in fact I am a lesbian. Help.
Molly

Good question Molly, I have actually recently become a lesbian myself. I love women and as of yet it has not turned me gay… In all seriousness though, I get where you’re coming from: it’s hard to meet a guy in Egypt who isn’t either a Baba Sukar with no personality who thinks he can win you over with his wallet, or the clingy insecure Egyptian that makes you delete any males on your BBM contact list. My issue with lesbians is I can pretty much do anything a woman can do except you get 20% extra free! Okay… maybe 10%. Okay 5%, but you get the picture. I think if you want to know if you’re a lesbian or not there’s only one way to find out… date a vegetarian.

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Hey,
One of my best friends asked for the keys to my bachelor’s apartment so he can get intimate with his girlfriend. Now all my close friends want the keys and my neighbors think it’s a whore house. What should I do?
Khaled

Khaled,
It’s good karma. Be a good bro and let them do the dirty business in your bachelor pad. If you’re not making good use of it then someone should. But if you’re smart, you’ll set up a secret camera in the bedroom and you’ll have them by the balls for life.

You can send all your dramas and dilemmas to Mr. Mosh-Killa on info@thecairoscene.online or Tweet him at @MrMoshKilla