Cairo Scene's very own Nicholas Mehling explores the root causes of Israelis' heightened stress levels, and challenges 'alt-right' tabloid Breitbart on whether the bombings outside Israel are to blame for it, or.. you know, the obvious answer.
In the esteemed American 'alt-right' propaganda, I mean news website Breitbart - who gave us such hard-hitting journalism as 'How to Talk About Global Warming with Your Crazy ISIS Relatives at Thanksgiving Dinner' and 'Why Diversity and Equality Groups Should Only Hire Rich, Straight White Men' - has released their next bit of stellar journalism investigating the increased stress that southern Israelis feel about Egypt's clashes with the Islamic State in Sinai. While it's touching that Nazis would shed some crocodile tears for their pretend best friends, we just don’t think that the fascists are being genuine. So, Cairo Scene did our own pretend investigative report to shed light on this troubling development in the democratic, progressive, theocratic (not Saudi), apartheid state on our boarder.
Woody Allen is a stressed, but for normal human reasons
According to Breitbart and the Eshkol Regional Council, anxiety levels in Israel have been on the rise since the Israeli Defence Forces (IDF) invaded Gaza in 2014 to stop Hamas from throwing their rocks, which are a “national security threat [according to Israeli law],” and their stress-inducing fireworks which resulted in some property damage. The IDF were just responding to a noise complaint, and, like US police in mostly African-American communities will tell you, when you respond to noise complaints in "hostile territory" sometimes 1,400 women and children can die as collateral damage.
Israel has a long history of being stressed out by its neighbours. During the 2006 invasion of south Lebanon, Israeli settlers constantly complained about those Hezbollah hooligans keeping them awake with their mid-night ruckus. In South Lebanon, or Northern Israel as they call it, “northern” Israelis couldn’t sleep a wink! And can you believe that the Lebanese had the gall to rudely ask them to leave??? Awkwaaaard!
Since the beginning of the Syrian Civil War, Israeli settlers in the 'totally ours' Golan Heights have often complained of loud explosions and blaring noises. We asked one settler homeowner, or home-taker, their thoughts on the situation. “I’ve called the police a number of times to complain about those damn Syrians making all this noise, can’t they just kill each other silently?” He bleats.
Settlers in the Golan have complained numerous times about missiles and jet plane fire over their homes, but when Cairo Scene pointed out that much of these planes and rocket fires were from, in fact, the Israeli army, the relief was palpable; “Oh thank God, if it’s us, then no problem!”
Israel has been pretty stressed out in general since their conception in 1947. According to founding leader Ben Gurion, much of the reason behind kicking out millions of Palestinians was because of stress. “How are we supposed to chill out here, while other people are living so close to us?” He famously said to the UN. Palestinians were guilty of living there, so I guess we understand why Israelis were so stressed out, I mean, would you want someone living in the house you just robbed, especially if God promised it to you (and totally not them)?
However, maybe we are confusing which came first, the chicken or the occupation. In the words of Breitbart founder Stephen Bannon, maybe the Israelis are being “whiny brats.” While Jews were definitely stressed, coming from Europe in 1930s-40s, fleeing the original Nazis (not the modern day wannabes), maybe everyone else got stressed out by Israelis? We asked Sinai residents if they were concerned about Israel’s heightened stress levels due to the bombs and explosions in their city. “We’ve been stressed out from Israel for the past 60 years!!! I’ve been yelling at those rapscallions to stop trespassing on our land! All the bombs that fall on Gaza! How am I supposed to sleep with all this racket??” One resident tells us (although the 20-minute derogatory rant has been omitted). We also asked a Jordanian who made a similar statement. "We cant even think with all the construction, or de-construction, going on in the West Bank; if they're gonna kick all the Palestinians out and move the capital to al-Quds, I mean Jerusalem, then get on with it and be quite!"
After similar responses from people living on Israel’s borders, we felt we had to get to the bottom of the conundrum. We went to Tel Aviv to talk to regular Israelis (you know, the ones that don’t think ethnic cleansing is chill) to ask them who stresses them out, the unanimous opinion was that they were stressed out from the orthodox Israelis, one Tel Aviv resident had this to say, “It’s the settlers and orthodox that stress me out, why do I have to go into the military to defend the Jewishness of the state? I want a secular democratic state where all religions and ethnicities are respected; so I don’t have to worry about some desperate Palestinian stabbing me on the street. If the orthodox want a Jewish state, they should be the ones who actually fight for it, rather than assassinating the only Prime Minister that actually had a solution to all this stress!!”Finally, it dawned on us, maybe the problem isn’t Israelis or Arabs, maybe it all goes back to the beginning; the right wing. From Islamist (Sunni or Shia) nutjobs, to intolerant settler crazies, ultra-nationalists, greedy corporatists? Or right up to the top of the intolerant food chain; Steve Bannon, his overlord Donald Trump, and the world's right wing zealots in general? While it is both troubling and universal that people would rather see other people suffer in silence than any stress afflicting them personally, and we often don't feel responsible for individuals' feelings of stress and anxiety, this detachment might have only been possible when we could just fuck off to some other country that isn't going through a whole bunch of stress. The problem, however, is that everyone in the world now is stressed! So, where am I supposed to fly off to so I can forget poverty and people dying!? Because the USA had a sharper decrease in national happiness levels than Pakistan, in the most recent UN World Happiness report, it’s safe to say America hates Trump as much as Pakistan hates the Taliban. So maybe the answer, Mr. Bannon, is that hate speech should be directed at the people who are making our lives a living hell. From our interviews and investigative journalism, it seems that we would be united, and way more chill, if these right-wing psychopaths all burned in fiery damnation (and we don’t mean spiritually). As there is no better stress relief, no matter your religion, ethnicity, creed, or nationality, than watching Nazis burn.
*The reporting in this article is satirical, although not entirely fictional.