Yeah, we're looking at you...
1. Hipster glasses
All 90’s children will remember the token “geeky” kid, -complete with spectacles. It’s a guilt we must all carry with us, you know, to have poked fun at someone’s mired vision. Cue chants like: “Four eyes! Frog eyes! Beetlebug!” *shudders*. Having said this, there is one exception to the ban on poking-fun: hipster glasses. Can we take a minute to consider the process one must go through in the morning while getting dressed, actively picking up a non-prescriptive pair of bulky, black-framed glasses and putting it on your face? Do thoughts of ‘this will make me look cool’ or ‘I look well sophisticated with these babies’ go through your mind? If they do, we love to break it to you, you don’t. In fact, you look like a used toilet roll who is so lacking in character, you hope the fake glasses will offer a deceptive window to gaze into your soul. The hard truth is, one can always tell authentics and fakers apart, and if you fall into the latter category, the glasses are a huge indication that you’re about as mysterious as a mouth guard.
2. I’m a photographer
So you own an SLR? You took a photo of an old lady at Khan al-Khalili? You MUST be a photographer. This one’s an endemic problem, especially since the advent of #instaliving and Facebook flaunts. There are few things more frustrating than a self-proclaimed photographer. The sad part is, the number of guys/girls with daddy issues and a penchant to “mess about” on Photoshop is at an exponential high. To set the record straight, photos taken from your smart phone or edited in quick fix apps do not constitute photography. What’s more, cameras are not like genetalia; size doesn’t matter. Accordingly, we’d advise you to save your money and invest in something more in tune with your talent than buying a $1000+ camera, thinking you can buy yourself the title of “photographer”. There is also a lesson in all this for our Egyptian following: stop telling people they are good at something when they are so blatantly not. Unless your name is Charles Saatchi, we won’t believe you when you claim to see the struggle of racial dominance in the colonialist era while looking at a girl who – surprise surprise! – is trying to emulate Alice from Wonderland, while her “photographer” girlfriend takes the snaps.
3. I love that writer!
It’s always wonderful to hear someone say they read. It’s even better to hear them cite a deserving author. But it’s a fucking face palm when someone claims to LOOOOOOVE Kafka (or any author for that matter), when they have only read one book, probably The Metamorphosis, and it was probably in HL IB English when the teacher had a gun to your head. This leads us on to…
4. I’m so emotionally aware
We’ve all had our Coelho phase; it was a magical time, a time when puberty seemed like a distant prospect. Oh wait, we may have overstated that a bit. It really is remarkable to see the number of 20+ year old guys and girls who claim to be oh so emotionally aware upon reading the Coehlo books. It’s a dilemma in trying to figure out which is more frustrating; the “I read a lot, especially Coelho,” line, or the “reader” who quotes Coelho on the reg. Coelho’s a certified young adult read; he’s like the David Guetta of the literary world… So next time you think yourself a messiah of all that is Buddhist and emotional, ask yourself if you’re ejaculating emotional bullshit prematurely, and whether what you have to say is truth or glorified Coelho.
5. I’m a virgin, I can’t be a slut
We have all met that girl/guy; the slut who thinks they are being sly, and pulling a “everything, but—“ approach to their sexual endeavors. News flash, even if you’re a virgin, you can be a slut. Correction: the fact that you’re finding it necessary to clarify as much probably means you ARE a slut. We can get into the ins and out (pun intended) of the whole “sexual freedom” argument, but in the Egyptian context… if you’re indulging in random hookups every other day, breaking hearts while the DJ breaks beats, OWN IT. To each his own, so we aren’t hating on the choice to be scandalous every now and then, but please, don’t try to punctuate your endeavors with the “I’m a virgin, I can’t be a slut” line. You’re fooling no one. And boys, don’t feel free of blame here. In Ross terms, “We were on a break!” doesn’t cut it. If you’re wanting to take a sip from every pond in the city, that’s up to you… but don’t complain when women of class cross their legs in your presence.
6. I’m a designer
The Designer Complex; a disorder associated with newly graduated women in the Arab world, facing fears of what awaits them. Will it be marriage? Will it be a career? Why not settle for something you’ve been doing since the Barbie days? DRESS UP!
Much like the photographer, you’re not qualified. And if you get over a thousand likes on your Facebook page, or make at least ten sales on your opening night… ask yourself: how many of these people are my friends and associates? Subtract that number from the total, and then weigh your “success.” We get that fashion is all about dynamism, but unless you’re the new Robert Raushenberg, you don’t get to take something shitty and overdone, and pass it off as the revolutionary article of the fashion world.
7. I hate parties
Ah, the token “I hate this society. I hate how repetitive life in Cairo gets. Oooof, I HATE partying in this city!” line. But then you see person X at every single party, broadcasting the experience on every social network. We have to ask, which is it? You either love the “scene” or you hate it. In which case, is your ceaseless attendance to every event in fact a means of fueling a hidden masochist in you?
8. I can't have my photo online
CairoZoom is never for want of emails from girls asking to not be posted on the website. While that’s all well and good, especially since your face is your own and we are more than willing to respect your privacy. But then comes the question of the decade: why the fuck are you pouting in a bikini and posing for what are OBVIOUSLY CairoZoom cameras?
9. I'm not addicted
“It’s just recreational.” Yeah, okay. The only thing being recreated is your personality, entirely. No disrespect to users and the like, but when you have a problem, you have a problem. Much like our confused sluts, the fact that it’s gotten to the point where you have to say the statement: “I’m not addicted,”speaks volumes on your current state of affairs.
10. I'm a freedom fighter
Remember Tahrir? That little square, somewhere downtown? No? Maybe you’ll recognise it as that mad photo-op location that took the Internet by storm back in 2011! It’s amazing how erratic the number of political activists in Egypt is. One day everyone’s into the climate of current affairs, the next its all about how politics fucked our nightlife. We’re not saying don’t show interest in one or the other, but please abandon your self-proclaimed title of freedom fighter when you’re only there until the fat lady sings, or in this case, the fat DJ spins.