Stuck on New Year resolutions? From a sugar-free diet to porn selection to taking on Fifi Abdou's EGP 5 challenge, here are 17 strictly Egyptian resolutions to inspire your wishful thinking!
2017 just kicked off and, as every year, resolutions follow. In celebration of the beginning of a year that we hope brings better omen, we have complied 17 New Year resolutions that every Egyptian can relate to. In 2017, we vow to...
Stick to Our Sugar-Free 'Diet'
Well, since sugar is scarce and prices have dramatically increased, we are forced to face the dreaded reality of actually following our diet - the one our gym trainer keeps shoving down our throats.
Ditch Formet El Sa7el (Sahel Body Form)
Speaking of dieting, we'll probably have to substitute whey protein for protein-filled.... Eggs? The imported supplement now costs anywhere between 500 LE to 1000 LE for one kilo.
Summer Somewhere Other than Sahel
Ditching formet el Sa7el will be a lot easier if we ditched Sahel altogether. What is it with the Egyptian obsession with Sahel, anyway? There's the Red Sea and there's Sinai; heck, there's Greece and Lebanon nearby! We bet their formas come at a much affordable price tag! (Photo by Farah Hosny).
Visit Tiran and Sanafir Islands While We Still Have Them
There you go, there's also Tiran and Sanafir Islands to visit in the summer. They're very beautiful, especially now, because you never know what you've got until it's almost gone - we're sure you've heard the conundrums with Saudi over the territories.
Go to Our Own Heritage Sites
Whenever you ask an Egyptian about The Pyramids or about the temples in Luxor, they often respond with indifference. People travel continents to relish and flash our pharaonic heritage. With the recent turbulence in the tourism industry, we need to be visiting our own heritage sites more.
Support Local Business
We're devastated that we can no longer easily get our hands on imported consumables like our favourite bottle of Old Spice, birth control pills, or even Calvin Klein cotton bed sheets. But we can agree that supporting Egyptian businesses, like the Egyptian cotton industry, is going to take pressure off international imports, so we guess that's that! But there's no way we're incorporating that eddeeny el keika ya baba stuff into our diet. We're drawing a line in the sand here! (Photo by De Agostini/Getty Images).
Stop Assuming the Educational Background of the Public
Remember the tuk tuk driver that explained the economic hardships of working-class Egyptians in a 3-minute video that went viral on social media? When the country's leaders were inconclusive on the economic crisis of Egypt, this tuk tuk driver explained it to us in simple terms. We will never again assume the intellectual capacity of anyone, ever again. Except maybe Ben Carson.
Stop Talking about Politics at the Dinner Table
We also vow to stop talking about politics - at work, at home, with our family's, with our parents (especially with our parents) - because let's face it, it ALWAYS ends up in a huge fight, and we go to bed without dinner!
We definitely have to give up talking about politics if we ever want to stop drinking away our woes. This saddens us to say, but the prices of alcohol are increasing and, well, we either have to find something else to get us drunk, or just quit cold turkey. Or we can always learn moonshining!
Not Have Any Babies
Egypt is now a country inhabited by 90 million people! 90! Million! Human! Beings! So we've decided to just stop having babies for now.
Only Speak English on Planes
It seems these days, that whenever you speak a language that remotely sounds like Arabic, you're mistaken for being a terrorist and escorted off flights, so, from now on, we'll stick to English while carrying out terrorist attacks!
Watch What We Post on Social Media
It also seems these days, that everyone and their bawab will roast you for whatever you post online. Like when Marwan Younis made fun of Not Courses' founder for his pronunciation of 'Slap'. Or when Ahram Beverages posted their video of Birell - they got roasted in court, too! Oops.
Take on Fifi Abdou's EGP 5 Challenge
Hmm, if Fifi Abdou can live off five Egyptian pounds a day, then maybe we can, too! The actress and belly dancer thinks that regardless of recent price increases, it's still feasible to live on just five pounds. Thanks, Fifi, here's to our new holiday fund!
Be Patriotic With Our Porn Selection
We know you have weird fetishes, but now that Ali and Fila's soundtrack was featured on a porn video of Kim Kardashian, we're feeling some real patriotic vibes. From now on, we'll only listen to porn spun by Egyptian DJs!
Less Khabt more Dakhla
In 2017, we plan to focus more on the music and less on the associated party supplement.
Aquire A Taste for Akl Mama
Strawberries and hepatitis? Shawerma and donkey? These are topics you'll only find the Egyptian people discussing in the street. In 2017, we're going to suspend our taste buds and try and get used to mama's food, and maybe go the extra mile to find out where our food is coming from.
Try to Be Sensitive to Our Audience's Opinion
Main image by Masr Al Youm