Because Egyptians always leave their mark anywhere they go in the world, here are the different human forms we morph into when we're abroad.
Would we be wrong in saying that Egyptians are a special breed? We have stone-set qualities and traditions that we like to keep nurtured and we're ALWAYS right. Wherever we travel in the world, we take them with us and leave our precious mark for the rest of human civilisation to ponder on just what a great nation we are. Here are eight different types of people Egyptians morph into when they're abroad.
You can take an Egyptian out of Egypt, but you can never take Egypt out of an Egyptian! Are you kidding? It’s in our blood to direct people to exactly where they want to go even if we don’t really know. We’re the only ones in the world who absolutely know how to make molokheya, no question about it.
Naturally, when we travel to Canada, we also know exactly everything about the best brands and the best food places in town - even if we haven’t been, but we’re fahlawis, so we have to know. We know how to zbeak za langwedge, we know where to find bamya, and we buy everything at the best price ever because we’ve figured out exactly where to go. But hey, sometimes our fahlawa actually makes us seem cool and well-travelled!
The Arabic Shit Talker
Mat bosesh dlwa2ty, bas el set ely a3da ganby re7etha we7sha awi.
This type assumes they are the only Egyptian travellers in the world and that no one will ever understand them because they’re in Turkey. Plot twist, the woman sitting next to you turns out to be a native Arabic speaker and now you’ve basically just told her she smells. Good one.
The Halal Hunters
Coming straight from Egypt into white land where pork and non-halal meat is the default at any restaurant and supermarket around the country. But you must find all of the shops where the halal meat is stashed. You’d even go weeks without food if you didn’t find that gelatin-free, alcohol-free, pork-free foods you’re looking for. You’d also travel 500 KMs just to make sure you get the right product. #Halal4Lyf
The Halal Forgetters
God only exists in Egypt. Here in Greece, there is no God. The scarves come off, the bikinis come on, the alcohol is consumed, and boy, one night stands are your new favourite pastime! For women, the abaya is your carry on luggage back to Egypt, and for men, you now must wear shorts that actually cover your knees if you plan on getting back in.
Just like a reptile, you go to Berlin for two weeks, you adapt, and you come back to Egypt with a nose piercing, ripped skinny jeans, and a Mohawk. You’re agnaby (a foreigner) now. #AgnabyLyf
The Super Tourist Showoff
Must. Take. Pictures. of. Everything. You think Egypt is a hole and America is a land of the rich. So you buy all of patriotic caps, the I <3 t-shirts and pose in front of San Francisco Bridge because all of the peasants back home need to know you travelled and did all of the cliche tourist things. Otherwise, did ever really go?
The Pack Leader
This type finds exactly where all the Egyptians of Canada are huddled, walks in, and goes full Regina George mode. They organise the outings, the 3ozomat, the community dinners, and is the all round go-to person for anything any Egyptian needs. Heck, this person will even pretend he is the fatwa issuer of the community!
The Egyptian Snobs
How did you even end up in Japan? One of the most cultured places on the planet? You try to convince the Japanese people around you that cooking salmon is the best way to eat it, and when they brush you off and tell you to eat it raw, you snark back. You think their traffic lights are stupid, seat belts are for weaklings, and cooking food with your bare hands to serve it to the public is completely normal. Heck you’d drink from the same cup as the last five people because that’s the Egyptian thing to do. Anyone who tells you your culture is whack gets a kick to the gut. You’re the best and you know it!