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B-B-B-B-Bitch!

The plummeting temperatures and the appearance of snow in Egypt for the first time in over 100 years have turned Sally Sampson from a bitch, into a cold bitch. Literally.

I’m going to keep this short.

Not because I’ve run out of things to say (heaven forbid!), but because my hands and fingertips  (not to mention my keyboard) are so fucking cold that, as I write this, I’m scared that if I let my fingers linger too long on the keys, they will stick to them and I’ll need a hairdryer and a team of medical experts to detach me.

Because, in case you haven’t noticed, it is fucking freezing at the moment. It’s so cold that yesterday (Friday the 13th ironically), Egypt saw its first snowfall in a hundred-odd motherfucking years, according to circulating reports.

I am currently wearing a t-shirt, a hoodie, a pair of long sweat pants, woollen socks that look like the backside of a sheep and an ice cap…INDOORS! I’m also covered in multiple blankets and I’ve been sipping hot (and I mean scalding) coffee…and guess what? I’m still freezing! I look like I’m wearing the latest shade of blue lipstick and seem to be rapidly developing Parkinson’s.

Now I’m not a woos. I’ve lived in Canada in negative temperatures and most recently in London, and so technically I should be used to this (even though we had heaters there which, to point out the bleeding obvious, most of our Egyptian homes do not!). Nevertheless, I’m pretty sure if we were to go up to the northernmost parts of the world and were to ask even an Eskimo what his opinion was of the recent snowfall in our beloved country, I’m pretty sure his response would be the same as mine and many of my Facebook friends “That’s really fucked up!!!”

And that’s just your average run-of-the-mill Eskimo…I imagine Al Gore would have a Sally-style bitch-fit rant. “I won an Oscar for God’s sake! I’ve been drifting about for-fucking-ever trying to educate your lazy, ignorant, I-prefer-spray-can-deodorant, who-gives-a-shit-about-the-environment-so-long-as-I-look-good-in-my-ride asses and now, it’s fucking snowing in Egypt. You know what? Fuck it. Leonardo Dicaprio and I have enough money to go live on Mars when the world falls apart anyway.”

And you know what, he would be right to be pissed off! And I’m not just saying that because I’m freezing and thereby bitchier than ever, but because seriously, us humans have a history of being so short-sighted and mentally challenged!Even though all the signs may indicate that we are headed towards a cliff’s edge, we won’t attempt to brake and/or reverse until we’ve practically plummeted off the rock face. If that’s not brain-dead, stubborn and just plain fucking stupid, I don’t know what is!

Truth is, even though many of us have been excited by the frosty weather in Cairo and in other parts of Egypt, and have been running around making little snowmen and drinking hot chocolate singing White Christmas, in my opinion, this needs to be a serious wake-up call, because Egypt is traditionally a FUCKING DESERT! If Bedouins are going to have to start fashioning leg-warmers for their camels in the upcoming years, then I’m not sure we should be quite as nonchalant about all of this.

Environmental issues are real and more than that, they need to be a priority because it is the Earth that sustains us, and if we don’t take care of it, then we, by default, suffer. And no, I don’t mean to get all Pocahontas on you…but it is true. ‘Going Green’ can no longer be a fad for rich people with nothing better to do with their lives. We’ve all got to become more savvy with our decisions in terms of what we buy, how we use our natural resources, and how we can all work together in a global effort to raise awareness about global warming and climate change worldwide.

Educate yourself. And don’t worry, we’re in the same boat; I’m learning about these things myself. But judging by the frostbite that’s currently developing on the tip of my nose, I think I’m going to have to stop casually being indifferent to things like the fucking O-zone layer not-so-gradually opening up like a black-hole. And I hope you will too.

And seeing as my metamorphosis from human to popsicle is almost complete and I can’t really find it within me to make light of the situation, I present you with Lewis Black, one of my favourite comedians talking about the weather. And even though he undermines most of what I (and Al Gore) have been talking about, it does make me laugh so here you go:

FUCK IT’S COLD!!