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Breaking News: I’m Pregnant!

Is it just hormones or does the world really suck? “How the fuck did we come to this?” asks our resident bitch, Sally Sampson, when faced with the stark reality of female injustice…

I have good news and I have bad news.

The good news is that I’m no longer PMS-ing this week.

The bad news is that it hasn’t made the slightest difference in my overall temperament. In fact, I think I’m angrier than I was last week.  I know it’s hard to imagine that you can’t blame or excuse everything I do/say on account of where I am in my menstrual cycle; the same way it seems hard these days to explain to the world that just because a man is horny, it shouldn’t mean he is no longer accountable for his actions.

That’s just me though…another bitch on a rant about something that, apparently, is not relevant to anyone…that is, of course, until it happens to you! Because let’s face it, until someone attacks or rapes or hurts either you or someone that you love, that shit really can suck someone’s dick.

You know it’s true; I know it’s true! So excuse me while I take a moment to throw up in my mouth as I think of how disgusting that is. How the fuck did we come to this?

Yeah, I know! You don’t have to tell me that I need to breathe! I know that I need to breathe, but I have trouble doing so these days (or most days actually). I have hot flashes every now and then, and if I didn’t know exactly where I was in my menstrual cycle, I would think I was pregnant…and probably with the anti-Christ!

Thankfully, I’m not pregnant (not in that sense at least)! I’m pregnant with other things though. I’m pregnant with anger and blinding rage! I’m pregnant with frustration and exhaustion.  I’m pregnant with an overall sense of disdain when I look at what has become of us.

I can’t breathe and I can’t rest, because for me, it’s personal. You see, I have some amazing friends; and I mean some seriously amazing, talented, beautiful women who have the world at their feet and who have fought through adversity. And, unlike me, where the greatest adversity I’ve had to overcome in my life is an uncontrollable love for chocolate and hamburgers, they’ve had to jump through hoops to get to where they are now.

I have friends whose mothers were so badly beaten and abused by their fathers that they grew afraid of all men altogether. I have friends who were molested at the hands of family members. I have friends who were molested at the hands of people their families trusted. I have friends who were raped. I have friends who cannot see how breath-taking they are because someone, for so long, told them that they weren’t good enough or pretty enough or anything-else enough.

And aside from how remarkable they are, what do all these women have in common? They don’t feel that they can speak out about their horrific experiences. Not to the world anyway; only to me, where they feel safe and not judged.

Meanwhile, I feel like a pressure cooker about to blow. I’ve recently discovered throbbing veins on my forehead with their very own central nervous system! And all the while, the anti-Christ gyrates and kicks furiously inside me. I know this because there is a hellish feeling pulsating through my body, making my skin crawl. And somewhere from within, the remainder of my humanity causes my eyes to water in an attempt to extinguish the flames that are being ignited, not just before my eyes, but within the very depths of my soul.

I know what you’re thinking:

Number one: ‘Wow, that was intense!! Someone really forgot to take their happy pills this decade…’

And Number Two:  ‘Why does this BITCH blog lady always have to talk about women’s issues??! Can’t you talk about the latest Prada bags or an amazing salmon dish you ate last week or something? You’re so depressing!!’

In a word: No!

You know why?  Because we still don’t live in a world where, even strong, successful women, like so many of my friends, feel secure enough to tell their stories. So I will keep talking and rambling and shrieking on their behalves, until I can get it across that SPEAKING OUT is not shameful! It is imperative to our evolution.

Oh, we’re evolving these days alright…but we’re evolving into pre-programmed, unfeeling, critically OCD cyborgs! And, correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think that was the direction God was going for, in terms of the overall progression of humanity, when He created us! If callous robots were what we were meant to be, then God may as well have used the dirt he made Adam out of and put it to better use by making a sandcastle. (Sorry God; but I know You know what I mean…)

Anyway, back to my metaphorical pregnancy….so yes, I’m pregnant with all these dark emotions flying through me at any given moment, but, despite all of that, I am going to say this: I am pregnant with something far weightier than all of those volatile passions: ideas! (No, not suicidal/homicidal ideas…)

I’m pregnant with ideas of change and of making a difference; pregnant with expectations of finding that bloody pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Pregnant with hope. Pregnant, but again, not really pregnant so no, mom you don’t have to start a witch-hunt looking for a mystical sperm bearer to crucify.

Some of you know this, some of you don’t: I have started a movement called BITCH Central to break the silence of so many women whose stories need to be told! I ask that you show your support! It doesn’t take time and it is so important we work together to create a safe environment for women to feel like they can voice their opinions and relate their experiences!

You can follow on Twitter @BitCent or on Facebook : www.facebook.com/BitCent. Below you can find our mission statement:

“I’m tired of saying one day this…one day that. Today is ‘one day’. Today is the day I choose to stop procrastinating and putting off till tomorrow what I know is right today. 

Today is the day when I speak out and say no to violence in every form. No to rape; no to domestic abuse; no to female genital mutilation; no to harassment; no to psychological oppression; no to suffering in silence…NO!

BITCH Central is an initiative that does not put off till tomorrow, what needs to be done NOW! Spread the word…

Being called a BITCH for standing up in support of what you know is true is much better than denying your beliefs in pursuit of the approval of society. Speak now!”

Be a part of the movement.  It does affect you. It does concern you. It is personal, because, if for no other reason, one day, it could be you or someone that you love that gets hurt and is then blamed, silenced and ostracized by the community.

I would never dream of leaving you without a quote to drive things home, so here it is, by Edmund Burke, an eighteenth century statesmen and philosopher:

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

I think that pretty much sums it up. Come and be pregnant with me! Come and be a BITCH with me! It’s more fun than they let on…I promise!


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