Pick a problem, any problem...
Dear Mr. Mosh-Killa,
What do you do when your Egyptian boyfriend has had a female friend for more than 4 years, and they are so close that whenever they meet they have to have a physical contact? Like, he grabs her ass or her boobs...
What you do is follow suit. Become friends with the female in question and get just as close, if not closer, with her. If he grabs one of her boobs, you grab both of hers, if he touches her hair, touch her thighs. Eventually, this will lead to a threesome, which will inevitably bring you all closer together. If that doesn’t work then just give your boyfriend oral sex and make him a sandwich and don’t be so selfish to not letting him touch other girls in front of you. Jeez.
Dear Mr. Mosh-Killa,
I have trust issues with every single person I know, including my own mother. What can I do?
You’re probably right to have trust issues with everyone because at the end of the day everyone is only looking after themselves. When you put your head to the pillow at night, you’re only thinking about your own issues and not someone else’s, you’re only thinking about how you can get ahead in life and so is everyone else. As such, read Niccolò Machiavelli’s The Prince and then build up a relationship with an imaginary friend or figure that you can automatically trust and emancipate yourself from your mother. She is selfish, she only brought you into this world so she can psychologically damage you for her own fun, yeah, that’s right, don’t trust that bitch. At some point your imaginary friend will start acting suspicious too, so get rid of them, they were only planning to take your place in reality anyways. What’s that? You’re boyfriend is touching other girls’ boobs? Oh, that’s fine actually, leave him be, he loves you.
When do you think is the best age to stop taking hardcore drugs?
I read somewhere that only 10% of the human race has something in their genetics that gives them the addictive traits towards drugs. If you, like me, are not one of those 10% then, high five! You never have to stop taking drugs recreationally, you just have to learn how to take drugs properly. Rule number one, stay away from heroin or any pills you can pick up under a bridge in Mohandessin, it’s ma3afin. Also, speed; ma3afin. Secondly, coke; don’t snort the whole g in one go, take a couple of lines, have a break with a glass of whiskey, another line, then enough. You may think you’re king of the world, surrounded by women at the end of the night, but you’ll feel like a cripple by the time you get to the bedroom, the coke’s run out, the female friends are gone, and you can’t perform for anyone else. Now, ecstasy. Just like you shouldn’t eat where you shit, don’t pop pills where you poop. Have the mouth grinding, closed-eyes euphoria love fests for when you’re out of town because you definitely don’t want to wake up, 24 hours later, with a video of you yodelling in the bushes outside a nightclub with lipstick on, kindly uploaded by your friend. Don’t bother with GHB, it will make you gay. As far as psychedelics go, go for it. Shrooms and acid are a trip; just make sure you take them sporadically enough so you don’t end up on a permanent vacation. Alternatively, you could stop running away from all your problems with drugs, and appreciate the wonderful life God gave you, right?
I'm an expat stuck in Cairo over Christmas, far away from my friends and family. I'm new here and everything is different. I don't like it. It sucks.
You only have one life, so live as many as possible! Yes, you’ve spent the last 10 or 20 years buying into your country’s relentless Christmas time consumerist culture around this time of a year, and I get it your used to the tradition, but this is your time to explore, to do something different, and to re-invent yourself; don’t be a Scrooge. You’re not living if you aren’t doing something new every single day of your life! Have you tried GHB?
You can send all your dramas and dilemmas to Mr. Mosh-Killa on firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet him at @MrMoshKilla