Bald is the new black.
So, you shaved half your hair off? That’s great, I’m glad you’re expressing yourself. I’m glad your parents didn’t kick you out when you did it. I’m glad I can see the shape of your skull; I’d been wondering what it looked like. I’m glad you only have to spend half the time us full-haired losers spend at the salon. I’m glad you (half) committed to being edgy and cool. And I’m glad you’re bang on trend. Rihanna, Cassie, Robyn, Ke$ha, Mel B, Alice Delal, Kelis, Carmen Electra, Tony Braxton, Jada Pinkett-Smith, and half the cast of America’s Next Top Model Season 16 might have done it months, and even years ago, but I’m glad you did it now. I’m glad you’re being a fearless and non-conformist young lady; I’m glad you’re being a feminist by adopting half a man’s hairstyle. I’m glad you didn’t pull a Britney. A sideways mullet is far more becoming than a fully shaved head.
I’m glad for you all, I really am. But I also have a few questions.
Do you get cold? Do you shampoo the bald side? Do you have bad half-hair days or half-bad hair days? Do you forget and accidently comb your scalp? Do you think you look pretty? What’s a Skrillex? Does your bald side make you feel tough? Will you punch me in Amici? What did your therapist say? Were you arrested by the Army? DID THEY DO THIS TO YOU??? What are you going to do when the bald side becomes an afro? Did you at least sell your hair to be turned into extensions? Are you finally getting the attention you crave? Did the shaver tickle? Do you believe people when they tell you it looks cool? Do you believe yourself when you tell yourself it looks cool? Did you know that in the ridiculous hairdressing world, your ridiculous hairstyle is called an ‘undercut’? Are you a black basketball player in the early 90s? Are you slowly converting to Buddhism? How are you coping with your daddy issues? Do you need a Xanax?
It’s okay. We’ve all made mistakes and it’s safe to say that no one is immune to following fads; I totally bought an Ice Watch and I’m not completely ashamed to say I’ve dabbled in silly trends like harem pants, chill out music and recycling. But before you switch your salon for a barbershop, remember this: it takes a year for hair to grow just 15 centimetres. A whole year. Who knows if we’re even going to be allowed to show our hair by then? Also, you are not Rihanna.