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Mr.Mosh-Killa Confessions

Our agony uncle takes a break from his regular routine to take on some of the problems flooding the strangely popular Cairo Confessions page...

I recently stumbled upon 'Cairo Confessions', basically a copy of that old website Yala7why. Essentially, it lets Egyptians vent their deepest darkest secrets with a massive spectrum of problems from incestual harassment and suicide to daddy not buying princess the latest Prada. Ahead of their launch of Egypt’s ‘first anonymous social network', I had a look through the type of answers these confessors were getting on their fanpage and, frankly, they’ve been getting some awful advice. So I took it upon myself to solve a few of their sickly problems myself. You’re welcome.

"I’m not a writer, but since I knew him I’ve been writing about him every day, there are dozens of pages about the way his eyes looked at me, the way he smiles and that laugh -out of real happiness- that makes his eyes close, his voice, his facial expressions and most of all his words. I love him and it’s not because he is perfect - which he is not in fact, nobody is- but for seeing him the only man in my eyes, and I mean every single definition the word man holds."

Can I have your number?

"He -of course- doesn’t and will never know anything about all this, it’s been a while since he left and I still love him, he used to feel the same but as a matter of fact, people change and feelings fade away, but mine are stronger than facts. I don’t want to stop loving or thinking about him, I’m fine with my life this way, but I just wanted to say after all that some people should learn something about loyalty and faithfulness even if they were for a feeling not a person. Falling in love with you wasn’t my choice, but keeping you in my heart is my decision, you know, some feelings can’t be forgotten like that, honestly those feelings that you lose yourself into usually make perfect sense."

He never loved you; you sound clingy. 

"I love my mother beyond words.. Recently, she told me something that touched me so deeply that it brought tears into my eyes. I was talking to her about how much I love her. I told her "I pray everyday that I die before you so I wouldn't feel the pain of you passing away," she replied "You're very selfish. You're asking God to make you the one who'd die first so you wouldn't watch me go away and that means that you're also asking God to be very harsh on your mother that he'd let her watch her own son pass away and even though you love me so much, I'm pretty sure that I love you much more so please don't do that prayer again." I'm not the emotional type at all but her words certainly made me feel like I want to give a shoutout to all the beautiful mothers out there! I'm blessed!"

Obviously not beyond words...

"(July 2013) Father was shot infront of my own eyes.

(September 2013) Girlfriend commits suicide due to parents getting divorced (5 year relationship)

(September 2013) My two best friends died in a car accident, only I survived.

(September 2013) My dog, the only friend I had left. Died from seeing me depressed.

(November 2013) Do I jump? Do I? Can I live alone in a foreign country at the age of 21?

(6th of May, 2014) I am a CEO of two companies, happily married, wife pregnant with twin girls, I own a big house on the Atlantic Ocean, I own more than 4 luxury sport cars, I have 3 dogs and a cat.

Moral: No matter how far does God push you, you will always find your way to abundance. From being lonely, depressed and broke, to being a very popular image in town, extraordinary happiness and as they say 'filthy rich'.

One word helped me out: ""El-hamdulellah""

Special thanks to the love of my life, my beautiful miracle. Thank you for stopping some random guy from jumping off the cliff. Thank you for supporting me through all this. She has all credit. You are a real woman, bahebik awe..

PS: Be Happy"

(May 2014) You shot your father to gain control of your business, your girlfriend found out and she conveniently "jumped" from a window, the cops blamed it on depression, as did your friends who conveniently got into an "accident." From then on, your paranoia grew and grew, you thought everyone was out to get you as you locked yourself up, alienated yourself from everyone whilst profits grew and grew. One day, in a haze, of hashish smoke and vodka, your dog starts barking violently at you, he hasn't pooped for days, you hear the *woof woof woof* as "I know it was you." The staring contest with your dog ends in his eventual strangulation. Things are spinning out of control, your feet are on the ledge, do you jump? Do you jump? Now you have two companies, a happy wife, you're pregnant with twin girls, you own a big house on the Atlantic Ocean, 4 luxury sports cars and 3 dogs. Well, you did jump but at least you said ""El-hamdulellah."

"What if the only person you felt a true connection with only existed in cyberspace? Would you meet him? And if you did, how can you do it and what "precautions" can you take?
Pls help"

I've heard this problem before. It didn't end well...

"Take a moment to stop and watch people walk by. They may look different than each other and different from you but we all have one thing in common. We all have something that broke us, made us vulnerable and weak. If you don't have that then I'm sorry to tell you that you haven't lived. Look around, you will see people who are good at hiding their weaknesses and others who are good at pouring their guts out to strangers. You will find those who you agree with, respect, dislike and think is just a complete asshole but at the end of the day we are always the protagonist in our own story. We all do bad things with good intentions. We are all trying our best to hold on and let our inside shine despite the vulnerability. You may think you're alone and you are imperfect. But look around and you will see that we are all full of flaws that make us perfect. Shine. Shine because we are all the same but yet so different."

Yes, for example, what makes you different is you're on acid.

"To cut the story short,
Im a man 40 years,
She is 38
Im married
She is married
We are both not happy in our marriages and we have problems with our spouses but not to the extent of separation so we meet behind their backs and we have done it all and it was great, didnt feel this for a very long time,Now the problem is that we know for sure we cant be together all the time,we are not exclusive to each others,we reached a point that we feel deep down that sleeping with our spouses is considered treason to our relationship,its not the mood of love that we like,we actually love each others,I don't have the desire anymore to try to approach other women even if I have the chance,just don't want to..I want to be faithful to her and she does to but yet we are both married!!!Being cheaters ourselves and we know it made us also not trust each others fully especially when we stay for a few days without seeing or calling each others,me and sometimes her think that the other one is seeing another one as well...its very complicated"

Have you heard of compersion before? If not, this is my gift to you. It's like the opposite of jealousy and the perfect emotive apparatus for a polygamous relationship. It's a feeling of joy or excitement when a loved one invests in taking from another romantic or sexual relationship. Before you get sleazy images of watching over your lover doing it with another man, possibly even her husband which you insist on fucking over yourself, understand that the concept is in fact very symbolic of the expansive unity we should experience on this earth, there is no separation from the ecstasy of others to that of yours. Alternatively, you could all stop sharmating all over the place. MK x 

"Hellooo !

I'm a 19 year old female, freshman in a really good private university, parents are supposed to be divorced a really long time ago, but dad doesn't want to. He just wants likes torture us. He doesn't give us enough money. My mum has loads of debt to pay cause she doesn't work. Lots of days I go to university with only 10 pounds (or less) in my purse for the transportation and maybe for a juice or something. I hate everything I wear, it doesn't make me confident and it makes me hate my whole day and even life. I'm not the type of people who wants to have lots of friends, I just want to have a few best friends. Anyway, outside uni I have a few best friends. When I went to uni, I became friends with 5 girls. We all met in uni and we love each other so much. Some of them say that we, as a group, are the best friends ever. Me, I really love them and I'm proud that we're best friends but sometimes I feel that they hate me or don't want me with them. I'm not funny and maybe my life problems make me depressed most of the time that I even think I have sever depression. Sometimes I think if I was funny like one of my friends I would've been loved. Or maybe if I wore better clothes. Or maybe..... I keep over thinking, but point is, they never said that they hate me, I just feel so. Maybe cause I'm depressed so it makes me feel like that and makes me want to be isolated. Funny thing is, one day we all went out to a mall (we're so honest with each other but maybe I'm not good at spilling out my feeling and I don't wanna hurt anyone), one of them said that sometimes she feels like she's left out, and I was like "me too!" So I don't know.. I'm really confused. I think that our friendship is toxic, which means it won't work. I mean my friendship with them. It's cause I guess each one of them has one friend (from the same group) who is her soul-mate, except me. I'm just there! I don't know whether I should walk away and just leave them even though I love them and we have SOOOO many epic memories together. Or whether I should try to snap out of my depression, try to be positive and let my problems away from our friendship. PS: I told them about my ""awesome"" dad, but I don't think they understand, at all ! They just know that he's not good and I'm supposed to be depressed, yet be okay with that. They don't know what depression means or feels like. I hope you guys would understand me. Sorry if my problem isn't that clear but please I need your help"

Your problems are infinitesimal, barely even visible through my moral telescope but here's some good news for you: you say you're not funny but that pathetic soliloquy was pretty hilarious! You're huge depression comes from the fact that you can't wear over-priced clothing which designers use their collections as advertising space on your body, and that your actually awesome dad sent you to an expensive private school and has the decency as a parent to not feed into the same spoiled attitude you and the rest of the students adhere to. You have no idea what depression is. I hope your dog dies.

"How I look like or how I live or who people think I am.. Is totally not me.. I'm not successful.. I'm not cute.. I'm not classy.. I'm not religious.. I'm not a virgin.. I am a thief.. A liar.. I smoke.. I am a slut.. I don't sleep with guys anymore.. I'm trying to pray.. I'm trying to give back the money I used to steal.. I try to do charity.. But my sense of guilt is killing me.. Why I became like that.. I hate my refelection in the mirror.. Ana ezay weskha keda.. Will God forgive me.. What will happen to me if anyone knew what I am.. My parents dont deserve that.. What will happeb if I met a guy and he wanted to marry me.. I gave my body to my fiancee before when he found out i am a shoplifter.. He used it later to sleep with me.. We broke up.. I know um I sinner and I really repented.. But I am afraid.. I want to have kids.. I want my parents to play with thier grandsons.. I want to feel happy and safe again.. I need help.. I want to visit a shrink.. Recomend one pls.. Pray for me."

It's a reflection of Cairo's judgmental pious society that you feel these sickening weights and regrets and fears. Define success? A construct of a manipulated capitalist society. Not cute? Well you managed to become a slut so you can't be that bad... and slut? Another reckless term banded about, a reflection of sexism and oppression rife in the country. Thief? Look, in the wise words of Lil Kim: "We independent women, some mistake us for whores, I'm sayin' why spend mine when I can spend yours?" Don't feel guilty for not praying, if you pray five times a day, your feelings of inadequacy will not dissipate. You have to find your Godliness within first; respect yourself before the universe starts respecting you back. Everything you're whining about is a result of your conditioning, in fact you seem like kind of a bad-ass. See? No need for a shrink when you have Mr.Mosh-Killa.

"I don't know if this will be violating any of ur rules but i really wish u post it, so i was reading an article on Cosmo "25 signs you are SERIOUSLY horny" don't ask why! and the problem was that it all applied to me!! i don't really masturbate much but yes its true I'm horny all the time! ALL THE TIME! i never realized it until i was reading.. and then i though maybe that explains why men are always turned on on me! its not them its me! I'm always having fantasies about well every single person i meet! men awel the delivery guy le7ad my boss! how can i stop that? do i need to see a doctor or something? how do i control it?"

Can I have your number?

You can send all your dramas and dilemmas to Mr. Mosh-Killa on info@cairoscene.com or Tweet him at @MrMoshKilla


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