Our resident bitch, Sally Sampson, is angry. Much like Britney Spears, she wants to “scream & shout & let it all out.” Which is cool. But much like Britney Spears, she might just be a psycho too. Read on as she heralds in 2013 with feminist ferocity.
I’m just going to say that we may have survived the Mayan end of the world, but I’m about to bring you seriously close to praying that you hadn’t.
No, I’m not feeling well. In fact, I’m just plain bloody tired coming out of the holiday season with an extra couple of inches around my waist. I’ve watched a vulgar amount of Glee and Grey’s Anatomy during the last couple of days and eaten my body weight in Indian food. And to make it all better, I feel the burden of unfinished business regarding my New Year’s Resolutions from last year (Happy New Year, by the way) weighing heavily on the shoulders of all the New Year’s Resolutions that I need to make this year. And don’t ask why, but that shit matters to me. Oh and I know this is random, but did anyone else hear that Kim Kardashian is pregnant with Kanye West’s baby? One question: how and when did that happen?
Fear not, I’ll be fine. But don’t ask me if I’m alright just yet because the truth is, I may accidentally castrate you. And maybe the fact that I’m PMS-ing has something to do with it, but it honestly seems like the world is out to piss me off!
So, excuse me for not being more deck the halls with boughs of holly jolly and eloquent and outlining to you exactly why I am irritated and cantankerous, because hey, that’s just how I feel at the moment.
The thing is, I actually know why I’m so angry…and if you want the absolute truth…I’m angry at myself.
I don’t understand so much in this world and I am overwhelmed. Every year I get older, and I want to have done more. I want my influence, and not my ass, to get bigger. I want to see more of the world and explore new horizons. I want to ensure that I have a legacy to pass on. And granted, I am being super negative, because I know I have already accomplished so much that I set out to do last year, but I sometimes have those moments where I feel so small in the overall scheme of things.
You know, when I’m down, I actually sometimes imagine I’m Frodo in Lord of the Rings and then I give myself the Gandalf pep-talk, while Enya sings in the background… you know what I mean…
Me (as Frodo): I wish [all this] had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.
Don’t judge me. We all have our little ways of picking ourselves up when we’re down and God knows that is exactly what I’m trying to do at the moment!
Some people think that the solution to my drama queen hormonal blues lies in setting lower expectations for myself, on a yearly basis…hell, even on a daily basis!
‘Sally, can we get real for a moment? Honestly, I know you think you’re like Yoko Ono or Kate Winslet or some shit, but you’re not. You’re this little Egyptian woman who has anger management problems and/or undiagnosed Tourette’s syndrome, living in a part of the world that Martin Scorsese doesn’t give a fuck about. You need to come down off your high-horse and stop believing that you’re going to become a star. You’re not Rachel Berry…or actually you kind of are (it’s kind of weird you didn’t get cast for that part), but the point is neither of you are stars…except that she is…I don’t know I’m confused…but what I’m trying to say to you is just start small and grow into your circumstances. Find a job you can do and then maybe marry someone and start your life. Then see what happens.’
Three words: KISS- MY- ASS!
Look, I know that my list of things to do before I die scares the shit out of people, because it includes things like ‘Win an Oscar’ and ‘Change the World’, but I just don’t know how to be any other way. And yes, I do want to change the world. Scratch that…I AM going to change the world! I want to help women and empower them and give them back what was taken from them, i.e. a safe world where women are respected and not violated! I want to draw in guys that feel alienated by feminist causes. I want to understand this world more and shake the very foundation of every single belief that I have, so that I know what is really true and what is only masquerading itself as the truth!
Look, you don’t have to tell me twice, I know I am definitely a dreamer, but I’m also stubborn and hungry enough to go after those same dreams with a ferocity you won’t even see on the Discovery Channel! And even though by many standards I am bat-shit crazy, I don’t think that means I need to be committed to an asylum just yet…
So no, I am not going to water myself down and settle with less “insane and preposterous” goals and resolutions and fade away into mediocrity! I am going to keep setting seemingly fucking ridiculous goals and pushing myself until I accomplish them because Rachel Berry ain’t got shit on me!
I guess what I’m trying to say is, even though I am as fucked off as a smoker on a non-smoking, 16-hour flight to God-knows-where, I am happy that I am pissed because it means that I have a fire in my belly that still burns bright and hot. The day that fire goes out will be the last day of my life (Yes, I sometimes pretend that I’m a dragon too).
So here’s my motivational message for the start of 2013 (woo-fucking-hoo!):
Dream. Dream Big. Go for it. And get angry at yourself (and I mean ‘I need to be institutionalized’ angry) until you are so full of steam that you are levitating up and away, off your couch and into the world that is waiting to give you what you want.
You’re not going to be able to reach out and just take it…this isn’t Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and you’re not Paris Hilton. If you really want it, you’re going to have to fight like you’re a boxer in the ring with blood streaming from your nose and a couple of teeth missing! You’re going to have to push through some serious opposition and competition, before you deliver that one winning punch and get what you want: victory!
Two quotes, one man…Muhammed Ali:
“I hated every minute of training, but I said, ‘Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.”
“I am the greatest; I said that even before I knew I was”.
I think that makes up for my lack of articulacy, so again: from one crazy BITCH to a world of closet BITCHES, waiting for their chance to let it all hang loose: Happy New Year. Make it count. Carpe Diem and all that crap…I’m going to go scream into a pillow…peace out!
If you have stories, pictures, comments, or anything at all you wish to share, I’m starting a community of BITCHES! Like the Facebook page, tell your friends, and let’s get this movement to give people a voice started. Are you afraid of being known as a BITCH? No? Then let the world know as well! www.facebook.com/BitCent