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Only at Egyptian Weddings

It's always wedding season over here, but there are some things we just can't get our head around...

We're talking about the higher-end weddings, the ones in Nile hotels, not Nile bridges; those ones are far cooler - beer, hashish, sha3bi music, eshta. Things get more confusing when you have too much money to show how much you love... spending money...

Howa Mein Beytgawaz Aslan?

You often hear it on a Thursday night as if it's Nacelle, "Ah 3andi fara7..." "Beta3 Four Seesans wala beta3 Fahrmont?" "La2 beta3 el Mariott," "Ah ah, ana ha7ruh henak bardo." There's a complete lack of intimacy and it's all about showing off how much money you spent, and how many people you know and how many important people you know to invite, so when it comes to the big day so many people often crash these weddings. Not in the typical American style wedding crashers, but cordially led in as the hosts would be too embarrassed to ask who you are because they don't know who half the people there are.
Nonense Dramatic Music
Egyptian weddings have the same problem MBC 2 adverts do; they don't quite match the score to the genre of the trailer. Likewise we still can't fathom why, in so many of these hotel weddings, when the bride and groom come out to reveal themselves to the attendees, this sort of dramatic Star Wars-esque music comes on that makes no sense, unless it's put on ironically by the (I am your)Father-in-Law.
Some love it some hate it, regardless, it's part of our tradition. And that's where it should probably be kept, in our tradition or at least at our traditional weddings. Zouba el Kloubatiyya was the first dancer to use a klob (candle lantern) balanced on her head during a zaffa, the Egyptian wedding procession, and the procession would usually wind its way through the streets of the neighbourhood from the home of the bride's parents to her new home at the groom's house. Bringing the Zaffa to a five-star-hotel setting where there are businessmen, prostitutes, tourists and makhbooteen only adds to the awkwardness and lack of intimacy to the situation. Zaffa and sushi don't mix.
Food Orgy
No Egyptian high-end wedding is complete without sushi. No Egyptian high-end anything is complete without sushi. What has the Japanese raw fish delicay got anything to do with an Arabic matrimony? What's worse is it doesn't stop at the sushi, it starts there and ends at the chocolate fountain via the escalope, creamy potatoes, shrimp konafa and macarona bechemel. This melange of dietary disharmony usually all ends up on the same plate, too. The food will always take presedence over who is getting married, especially with all the crashers. Fein el Bufffeeeet?
Dry Weddings
If not drinking is part of either of the families' religious ethics the dry weddings make sense, although clearly not as fun to attend, but the less money spent on alcohol is more than made up for in quantity of sushi. Food will always be better at a dry wedding. Occasionally one part of the family will be less pious than the other at which point it's always amusing to see the blatant segregation of the starers and judgers and the party animals.
Because when not creating shit Top 40 dance music, Akon is in fact one of Egypt's most popular wedding singers. Add David Guetta to that list too, always on hand to entertain the little kiddies.
The more you pay me the more you'll love each other
No Hook Ups
If you're a guest, weddings in the west are synonymous with finding love or at least finding a one night stand but it seems in Egypt, no one ever gets laid, we're not even sure if the bride and groom do. Not really sure what the point in the bouquet is either...
sexual tension