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Oscars

The life of a CairoScene columnist might be hard, but someone has to do it...

When I was a wee lad of 25 (this was 2 years ago, I need to relax) the award show season was one of my favourite times. I would drink wine with friends (by friends, I mean the dogs) and I would yell obscenities at the TV/make fun of Ryan Seacrest/feel sorry for Giuliana/fawn over actresses and pass out on the couch before the show even started. I would wake up excited to write my takes on actresses and pretend I lived in New York/London/Paris and my opinion mattered.

This year I was a bit overwhelmed. I didn’t even know it was awards season except for when everyone on Twitter was all like I feel like it’s my birthday, let’s all pretend Anne Hathaway can act and when is Morsi going to speak? Then I got super annoyed when everyone started giving their predictions like they lived in New York/London/Paris and their opinion mattered. So I went to sleep. Then at 8:15 this morning I got this message from Amy Mowafi:

Because Amy generally scares me a little and because I miss the old me/I get flattered when anyone asks me to do anything (specifically published authors), I had no choice but to scour the internet while I made my coffee and have an opinion about all of these people.

I don’t know who Jennifer Lawrence is, but everyone seems to be giving her annoying face a pass. She is Dior’s new darling and this made Kirsten Stewart resort to crutches or something. Why are both of them wearing white? They both look good, but who are they? Is it strange that Lawrence’s Dior really makes me feel like eating lots of pastries? Apparently Jennifer tripped. Wasn’t Kirsten Stewart the one with crutches? Who are these people?

Anne Hathaway is the blandest individual in the world. I don’t care how sad she was in Les Miserables, she is the Labrador of actresses, all cute and sweet and drooling everywhere. Also she needed major boob support in this white Prada gown. Shut up Anne Hathaway.

Speaking of support, what is Heidi Klum thinking in this dress? This isn’t even the actual Oscars, this is Elton John’s viewing party and I am confused by her. Why are her – admittedly beautiful – breasts at her navel? Why is Kim wearing white when she’s the size of a couch? Kourtney? What did you do to your face? Why?

I want to be Daniel Day Lewis.

Is Daniel Radcliffe a midget?

Who invited Kelly Rowland?

Jane Fonda looks phenomenal and she’s basically 100. That yellow works so well on her. Chapeau Ms. Fonda, I’m downloading an aerobics video now.

Oh Salma Hayek. YOUR HUSBAND OWNS FASHION! WHY ARE YOU WEARING THIS?

Oh Adele, I love you so. I’ll forgive that you aren’t even trying to help your hips out in any way shape or form. Your hair is amazing and let us all thank God that you didn’t wear a Valentino couch like you did at the Grammys. I’m still trying to forget that. I can’t hate you. WHY CAN’T YOU BE SKINNY?

Is this adorable child wearing a Yorkshire Terrier purse? She’s swathed in blue taffeta! She’s my whole life right now. Don’t make popping sounds when you say her name Hassan, that’s awfully racist and she’s like 10.

Sally Field is wearing coral and looks amazing, despite not even looking at her hair. All of these old bitches are putting these young girls to shame with their use of colour. Who the fuck is Jennifer Lawrence?

Hello, I am Jennifer Hudson and I am the Little Mermaid.

Hello, I am Melissa McCarthy, does my huge hair make me look not obese?

Hi, I am Charlize Theron, I have no hair and I still look fucking better than all of you bitches. Thank god that Anne Hathaway bitch wore white and also has no hair, so I can look even better.

Can Jennifer Aniston just stay home?

Who is Olivia Munn and can someone tell her Halle Berry wants her dress from 2001 back?

Michelle Obama has bangs! NO WAY! Shut up world, she’s fucking wearing a weave; it can go back to normal in a second (or six hours, point is it’s not even her fucking hair). Why is she even at the Oscars? She doesn’t even go here.

For more of Hassan Hassan’s writing and art check out hassanhassan.tumblr.com and follow him @h_hassan


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