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Stupid Things Egyptians Pay For

We'll squander our money on anything really...

We Egyptians are firm bandwagon jumpers, hopping happily upon the latest stupid trend to hit the city and spending our hard earned – whoops, sorry, we meant daddy's hard earned – cash on a wide variety of frivolous, pointless things that we have little to no use for. We'll squander our money on anything really, as long as we're sure we really don’t need it, it will be of no use to anyone, and is an entirely pointless product or service to purchase. If it has a legitimate use to us, we DON’T WANT THE DAMN THING. Get it out of our sight immediately. So yeah, here are a few stupid things Egyptians spend their money on.

Baby Yoga

This is a joke right? What exactly does this apparent new, ridiculous trend of 'baby yoga' entail? Moving your child's limbs around for a little bit? Isn’t that called playing with your baby? Correct us if we're wrong, but we do believe that’s the exact term for it. But by all means, charge us 1000 EGP for an hour of playtime, disguised as 'baby yoga', and we'll gladly pay it, thinking it makes us New Age and cool. Is your child supposed to develop some sense of inner Zen via this baby yoga? Will they grow up to be better, more well rounded humans? Uhhh, probably not. More likely, it’s more a case of hello bored housewife, meet your new favourite activity that will have zero impact on your child. 

Uggs

A few years back, every female in the city had a pair of those ubiquitous shoes adorning their feet. This is confusing; aren’t Uggs intended for cold countries? We’re basically the land of perpetual sunshine, even mid-January. Even in the depths of our winters, you don’t need fur-lined boots to keep your feet warm. And yet the city was swarming with fur-clad feet. Why?

 

Transcendental Meditation

We looked this up. It literally involves you sitting there, in comfortable position, with your eyes closed and possibly using a mantra. That's it. That's the whole thing. I mean, we do this every day at the office. We sit behind our screens, eyes shut, take a little rest, and repeat, "I will not shoot up the office, I will not shoot up the office."

Superman T-shirts

Egyptians have an unparalleled love of Superman t-shirts. Most citizens own at least one such top, but the acceptable number to own is generally three. Why do we purchase these specific superhero branded t-shirts like there’s no tomorrow? We couldn’t say. We can’t even say we’re exempt from this. Perhaps we will one day replace these – we think Sisi t-shirts are a more appropriate option really, in this day and age. He is after all, the national savior. Superhero Sisi. It has a nice ring to it. SuperSisi.  

 

Overpriced ‘Oriental’ Fashion Pieces

At a certain point in time, suddenly ‘oriental-style fashion was all the rage across the city. Never mind that the fabric used to create these fashion pieces actually cost about one-seventeenth the price you end up paying for the actual item, and you could easily find THE EXACT SAME PRINT in Wekalet El Bala7 for around 5 geneihs. Nope, let’s instead buy the ridiculously overpriced item because it makes us cool and fashionable.

iPads

When this shiny new device hit the market, Egyptians rushed to get their perfectly-manicured hands on it. Not because they had any particular use for it obviously, but because, well, it existed and because it allowed them to waste endless hours playing that retarded game that swept the nation in a stupid fruity obsessions, a game we suspect was actually invented to help keep four-year-olds busy; Fruit Ninja. For a time, it was literally the only thing Egyptians used iPads for. Yes, that’s a legitimate reason to purchase a pricey electronic device. Definitely. 

 

El ‘Salon’

Let’s chalk it up to tradition the reason every home in the city is equipped with a fully functioning, fully-golden-edged, likely very pricey ‘salon’. It’s essentially the section of the house intended for receiving guests, complete with ornate chandeliers and very expensive China – all of which ends up spending a virginal lifetime of zero use. Why do we still invest in such a pointless relic of a space? 3ashan lazem. A house with no salon? Shame on you.

 

Nady Memberships

Unless you’re one of those mutant humans who can somehow manage to do CrossFit, TrainForAim, or really, any other variety of training without suffering a heart attack (like we would), most of us have a membership to some nady in the city that we use approximately one to three times every decade. Some of us used to frequent the clubs in middle school, or if we were forced to play a sport, and often tetas gather there on weekends, but most memberships largely go unused. Why do we have them? No one knows.


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