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Dear Future Me

Top 10 Break-Up Problems

The heart-splintering, earth-shattering and utterly-crippling feeling that you are alone can be terribly painful. That's why we've decided to help you prepare yourself by mapping out what's in store...

Newly single? Bad break-up? Of course it was. But that's just the start of it. In a twisted kind of reverse psychology, we've put together a list of the top problems you'll be facing in that post-break-up phase, so that you can avoid them...

1.  You have no one to shave your legs (and then some) for:

Now, feminists, don’t have a cow about this. But let’s be honest… in relationships we tend to get, to use a euphemism, comfortable. This usually involves branching away from the necessity of having to groom yourself on a daily basis; most importantly… you’re allowed to skip a day or week of having to shave. While usually this is something to celebrate, the issue redoubles its hairy enthusiasm during the initial periods after a break-up. We like to think that our post-break-up selves resemble Sandra Bullock in the latter half of Ms. Congeniality, but the reality tends to be otherwise. Whether because of heart ache or simple “down time,” people are preoccupied with, you know, more pressing matters… Who has time to shave when there are unwatched TV series to be streamed?! Bottom line; expect to become a hairy beast in the immediate aftermath. But it’s not all that bad; at least you’ll avoid those morning-after freak-outs over an irrational decision to hook-up with the first thing in sight. After all, hair can be the only contraception a girl needs.

2. No one to cuddle with at night:

Nothing more painful than staring endlessly at the depression in the sheets? Don’t worry and thank God for the innovative invention by Deluxe Comfort: The boyfriend pillow. That’s right, the boyfriend pillow, as described on the company’s website, “is a soft body pillow that looks like the torso of a man with a comforting arm that cuddles and holds you throughout the night. Feel safe and warm sleeping comfortably on his chest.” In case you missed that, the pillow has a gender. The only limitation to this rogue of a cuddler might be awkwardly explaining its – we mean his – presence to visiting friends. #foreveralone. 

3. No one cares if you get home alright:

Yep, no one gives a shit if you get home alrght, unless it’s their home of course. You won’t have anyone’s text to wait up for after rolling in drunk and sprawling on the bed. It’s a tale as old as time, or at least as old as the cellular telephone. We’ve all been there; it’s the most dangerous moment of the post-break up period. Do I bare my soul and tell him I miss him? Do I tease a friend-zoner into sending me a goodnight sonnet? You’re probably better off taking a hammer to your phone. Quite frankly, this is probably the most pathetic you’ll get… but again, don’t stress. The point is, you got home. Be happy about that. Glass half full? Good, now drink it and pass the fuck out.

4. You have to renew your gym membership:

Ah the gym, also known as the mecca for newly singled fatties looking to work on their “can’t touch this” bod. We don’t mean any ill-will to curves (don’t get us wrong), but we might as well stress the harsh reality that the best part of your day will be running on that treadmill to the vocal accompaniment of Adele.

5. People will begin to probe:

It’s bad enough having to replay the relationship should’ves, would’ves, and could’ves on your own. But there will always be those people who haven’t spoken to you in years, coincidentally deciding to “get back in touch” or “meet you for a coffee” the minute your Facebook status goes back to single. The hard truth is: people are assholes. He’s trying to capitalise on your vulnerability, and she’s trying to gather ammo for gossip galas. Verdict: don’t be daft. STEER CLEAR.

6. You’re back “on the market":

Elsewhere, this wouldn’t really suffice as a problem. But in the Egyptian neck of the woods, rest assured to hate initial singledom. You’ll see the slow metamorphosis of bros turn to predators and sisters turn to strippers. Just because you’re single, it doesn’t mean you’re searching, we get it. But chances are, most people won’t consider that a possibility. You know, because you’re either a serial monogamist or looking to get over someone by getting under someone else. 

7. Perfecting your Beyonce face (it’s a unisex problem):

We all know that the only good part of a break up is the “can’t touch this” moment. Don’t pretend you don’t know what we’re talking about. It’s that moment where you walk into a party where your ex is present, and there you are looking, as Tyra Banks would put it, fierce. It’s almost as if MC Hammer wrote his little jig especially for this moment… Sadly, it takes a lot of practice to master the Beyonce face. Chances are you’ll attempt it prematurely, down a few shots and end up crying in a corner.

8. Your best shot at a threesome will be with Ben and Jerry:

Threesomes. Maybe it’s your thing, maybe it’s not. Regardless, getting some is going to be a problem, at least as frequently as before. We recommend going to Tahrir; with this political climate you’re bound to get some action. Otherwise, stick to you’re ice cream, sing into a hair brush, and be to sure clear your internet history more frequently. 

9. You’ll attempt to over display your “okay-ness”:

There’s nothing more annoying than someone posting those “cryptic statuses” directed at “guess who” under the pretence that it’s some unscripted “song lyric." Rest assured, if you’re guilty of this, you’re fooling no one! Tupac’s probably rolling in his grave in response to the over-regurgitation of his infamous “move the fuck on” line… you’re only making a tit of yourself. Mind you, this wake up call also applies to those singles who feel a bit too much, and decide the cure is a daily photo journal consisting of selfies. You’re ex (we hope) knows what you look like; if s/he left you, we doubt it had anything to do with a violent case of amnesia. 

10. Finding someone new:

Finally the time comes to find someone new. But let’s take a second to really understand what “new” means in the Egyptian context. If you’re waiting for a stranger amidst the Cairene scene to fall from cloud nine, shrouded in mystery, sprinkled with some adorable hidden insecurity… go to the airport, board a plane, and get the fuck out of here. You can bank on the fact that someone you know, knows the person in question, what their mother’s maiden name is, their s/ex-ual history, and some weird thing they did back in high school.