Last week we received another rant from our contributor 'Random Egyptian Girl,' this time targeting our penises, as if they were the be all end of all of human appendages, and a far more useful item to own than her own maker of babies, and bringer of life, the vagina. In 'Penis Envy' she referred to, among other benifits of owning balls, "the sheer amazingness that is being able to pee damn near anywhere" and that she'd "like to reserve the right to screw anyone without being imprinted with an invisible scarlet letter." Well as a Random Egyptian Guy, I have news for you Random Egyptian Girl. Penises aren't that great, we have problems too...
1 - After you pee, there is always a little more pee no matter how much you shake, this inevitably leaves an awkward wet patch in the front of your pants that you either have to hide by pulling down your t-shirt, awkwardly explain that you spilled water or throw more water on it to emphasize the latter excuse.
You know it
2 - When you are in school or collage, prime ages for excess testosterone release, more likely or not you will be visited by the random erection fairy, who waves her magic wand over your crotch, and oops, all of a sudden you have a boner for no reason. There is nowhere to hide it; you can try tucking it under your boxers or belt but if you are wearing briefs or your t-shirt is too short you are pretty much screwed. You cannot just put your hand up and ask the professor to hold it for you. If the class ends you have to sit their and pretend to carry on studying. What if you have a presentation in front of everyone? What if there's a massive fold in your jeans and everyone just thinks it's a penis? You have to try to put the fold down so that looks like you're then playing with your boner. It's a nightmare. What if it's a P.E. class and it's swimming day?
Damn you random erection fairy!
3 - The sickening feeling of getting kicked, or having a ball kicked directly at your balls is almost as bad as giving birth, except my balls are openly exposed to such pain and this could happen at any time.
Just looking at it is painful. Wipe that cringe of your face woman.
4 - As those with Penis Envy might state "you can pee anywhere"! False. Out in the open, in a field, or by the road, two things become a huge barrier. Wind and insects. Do you know how painful it is to get a mosquito bite on your schlong? If you pee out a moving car the pee will return straight back to you.
Gone with the wind
5 - Have you ever tried to pee with morning glory? Morning glory is when the random erection fairy visits you in your sleep and you wake up with shame in your pants, and soon you will find urine all over your bathroom after practicing a variety of yoga position to try to aim it inside the toilet.
Nothing glorious about it
6 - Especially in Egypt men's toilets are much filthier, usually due to the inordinate amounts of water being splashed on their hair to increase percieved handsomeness and mens shoes have larger surface areas, hence make more dirt marks on the floor, and generally speaking we're just a more tolreant species to mess.
Looks alright to me
7 - This does actually happen...
Frank and beans
8 - You can be charming, rich and funny but once the pants are off you are immediately subject to excruciating judgment based on the size of your member. You did not choose this size, God did and yet women will giggle in groups behind your back and your sex life will recede exponentially if your miniscule member is found out.
9 - Shrinkage, also, is a thing. It's the opposit of a sponge in water and the only time in P.E. swimming class where you may wish for a visit from the ranom erection fairy.
10 - While there are no bones in your boner, you can actually “break” your penis’ corpus cavernosa—cylindrical tubes that fill with blood when you have an erection, If these tubes are bent while you’re hard—usually the result of vigorous sex—they can rupture and cause blood to fill your penis, leading to swelling and permanent deformity or loss of sexual function.
You can break your penis if you do sex too good
So there you have it, still envy us women?