When we get invited to weddings, we're not sure whether to jump for joy or crawl under our bed never to come out again. We'll let you decide for yourselves with the help of this list we compiled.
PRO: Open bar! If we're being honest with ourselves, this is essentially the entire reason we attend weddings, or derive any semblance of joy from them; an endless stream of free liquor, flowing from the bartender's hands directly into our alcoholic mouths. It's the only way we can endure several hours of nuptial bullshit, having to say hello to a lot of old people, and dancing to ABBA. Suddenly, all of this is no longer a nuisance; it's all wonderful. We'll dance, we'll laugh, we'll cry, we'll have a whale of time! The open bar may or may not lead to a disturbing amount of indiscretions, what with the limitless river of vodka and all, but we don’t have to deal with these because CairoZoom isn’t there to catch us in the act at private weddings. That is, until the wedding video is released, where all our drunken moments have been documented for posterity…
CON: Sometimes, much to our horror, THERE IS NO OPEN BAR. If our attendance is mandatory at this dry wedding then we must immediately consider what one can do to remedy this situation. Drinkers must get creative, and bring their own provisions; either cleverly pocketing their own flask and taking surreptitious sips from it, or bringing their own bottle and pouring doses into their drink fel khabasa. Many options are available but it's all a nuisance, requires planning ahead, and doesn’t hold the same joy as a waiter wordlessly replacing the drink in your hand the minute it approaches less than half its volume.
PRO: Getting dressed up! Rare is the opportunity in Egypt to get seriously dressed up – Gossip Girl lead us to believe that we could just don gowns weekly but alas, we can't - and it’s a nice, refreshing change from the daily grind of sweatpants and boots to see people looking like proper humans; floor length gowns and blown out hair, suits and tuxes – the whole shebang. A little sheyaka never killed nobody.
CON: It’s a drag getting the desired effect. The so-called fairer sex has to suffer through the gruelling heat-infused hair session, the pickle of finding a dress that hasn’t made the rounds on Instagram already, the general nuisance of actually looking wedding-appropriate. And then you have to endure the difficulty of wearing a dress and heels, damn near tripping over your own feet at least seventeen times throughout the night. And don't get us started on garden weddings, a tricky affair – heels are mandatory but you'll spend the evening drilling holes into the grass with them, ensnaring you in one spot when you're trying to get away from an annoying relative, or threatening to break your heel/make you fall flat on your face. If you're a guy, being in a suit for the duration of the night is like being trapped in an ocean of your own sweat.
PRO: FOOD! Amazing open buffet! You can literally indulge to your heart's desire. We all sit there waiting for the glorious moment the buffet is announced open – you then load up a plate the size of a one-to-one scale replica of Mount Everest. Start at one side and work your way up, leaving no dish behind. Three different kinds of meat, and two fish options. No need to choose between rice and pasta – a pasta station requires its own plate uslun. Particularly overdo it at the shrimp cocktail area – that's a classic. And then stock up on every single dessert.
CON: Actually there is no con to counter this. Though you must think ahead if you're a girl – if you intend on stuffing your face at the buffet, you have a choice; either you make sure you're wearing a loose dress or you spend the night sucking in your bloated, foodlogged, overblown stomach that will otherwise protrude like that of a four-month pregnant woman. Ain't no hot groomsmen coming near you as you dig in like a pig in a trough.
PRO: A chance to see people you haven’t seen in a while. Everyone's gathered at one event, there to celebrate the happy couple's special day. Friends! Fun! People you haven’t seen since high school or who've flown in especially for the wedding. Acquaintances you only see at certain events or distant relatives you only see at family gatherings. You'll catch up and dance, line up shots at the bar, and just have a jolly good time.
CON: If you gave a shit about any of these people you’d make more of an effort to see them. The wedding will be filled with incessant space-filled small talk, "Hiii 3amla ehh..wa7ashteeeni! Lazem nokhrog begaddd!" Yeah, never gonna happen. Once you run out of the cordial niceties you aren’t quite sure what to say next – you don’t really care about this human; if they got hit by a bus tomorrow you're not even entirely sure you’d shed a tear – your eyes will flick around and one of you will inevitably make your excuses and walk off. Later in the night you may or may not do some shots together that you won’t remember later, or you'll embarrass yourself in front of them, or you'll regret dancing balady with some rando you knew in uni…