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What if Google Talked Back?

Google is sick and tired of your stupid questions and it has something to say to you...

Google is the answer to all our questions. Whether you’re looking up the definition of a word you don’t want to admit you don’t know, or wondering how long it takes to cook asparagus, Google is the place to go. It puts up with our stupid questions without judging us and that’s why we all love it.

"I want to cook asparagus, how long does it take to cook?"

We've all Googled our fair share of idiotic things without having to worry about anybody knowing the extent of our stupidity. But what if Google has had it with our ridiculous searches and has finally decided to talk back? This is what we imagine it would have to say. 

You: 

Google: Yeah, that’s called incest. I sincerely hope that’s not how you were conceived because, judging from your IQ, it sure seems like it. 

You:

Google: There’s a 0.0000000000001% chance you’ll ever get Ryan Gosling, so stop tormenting yourself.

You: 

Google: Love is a chemical reaction that happens between two people. It’s also something you’ll never have. 

You: 

Google: I won't even dignify that with an answer.

You:

Google: Through intercourse. If you’d like to prevent getting an STD, you should try keeping your legs closed.