How long can we go on with the traffic, the pollution, and the kids in the cinemas at midnight? Drastic times call for drastic measures.
Egypt doesn’t only have a big and growing population, it also has a huge density crisis as 95 percent of Egyptians live on less than 5 percent of the country’s territory. As we’ve surpassed the 100 million mark, the government has been trying to fight population growth. Egypt just signed two grants with the European Commission's Neighborhood Policy and Enlargement Negotiations. The first one, worth 27 million euros, will be directed to support the national population strategy, which aims at reducing the population growth rate given its impact on development and economic reform. It is not yet known how the government plans on reaching their goals but we believe there are more creative ways to encourage less Egyptian popping that does not involve so much money.
1- Replace all real estate billboard ads with Durex ads
The real estate market does not seem to have taken a hit like the rest of the economy. Egypt today seems to be decorated by a colony of real estate ads left and right, offering citizens a chance to buy their dream home despite the fact that our currency is worth peanuts.Instead of gazing at houses we can’t afford while we are stuck in traffic, why not look at Durex ads instead and subtly instill a culture of contraceptive responsibility in the country. This way, when we finally buy our dream home, it will be more affordable as we would need two rooms less. One for the kid we won’t have and the other for the nanny we wouldn’t be able to afford.
2- Highlight the educational reality
What are your choices really? Send your kid to a public school ranked one of the worst in the world or grossly overspend on a private school so that an overpaid American world citizen can teach your kid about Columbus day? Why bother being stressed, going into debt just so your kid can grow up to be a spoiled brat who blames all his existential angst and identity confusion on you before he ends up dead anyway at 40 from Global warming because Trump thinks it’s a hoax? We say let the newspapers publish daily private tuition fees and public school rankings to deter adults from taking on the impossible task of raising a kid in 21th century Egypt.
3- Partner up with KFC for national duty night
As crazy as it sounds, the government of Singapore partnered up with mint kings Mentos a few years back in an effort to boost their birth rate. The result? A rap song encouraging procreation on August 9 as an act of patriotic sex. Perhaps the opposite could work here. That refraining from sex on August 9 is the genitals’ way of saying Tahya Masr. And who better to put you off sex that KFC? The diarrhea, the gases and the Cairo heat will make all lovers become strangers, at least for the night.
4- Mandatory game show for all couples
As we know, we should not have sex before tying the knot and while certain people circumvent that by being rich or by having a quick fix under the guise of an orfi marriage, most people still abide by this rule. As such, marriage should become an earned opportunity and not a right. That’s where Marry me Habibi comes into play. A mandatory game show where couples go through hurdles to fight for the right to consummate their union. A panel of three judges including Simon Cowell will assess the participants’ resolve with series of tests to grant them (or not) their marital wish. Those include staying motionless during an Om Kalthoum song, trying to enter Aubergine in a galabeya and eating koshari with chopsticks.
5- Castrate sexual harassers
We already do it with our pets and now perhaps it is time to extend that hospitality to the loveliest creatures that roam our streets: sexual harassers. Verbal harassers will get three chances to repent but physical ones will not be allowed that leniency. Once castrated, these men will not be left off the hook easily and get to enjoy a tranquil testosterone free existence. Instead, they will be moved into a farm house where the only available literature will be feminist books and where the only Facebook posts they could read are the ones that begin with #metoo.
6- Bring back gladiator shows
Use the island of Zamalek as a huge boxing ring and unleash the most epic fight in modern history: a last man standing face-off between the residents of Tagamo3 and 6th of October and broadcast it on Bein sports. Only one “new city” and their inhabitants will be allowed to remain in the country. The losers will be deported and sent to Ethiopia to work as nannies for their elite.
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