This year, do the right thing: stay home! Here's why this is a good idea...
New Year's Eve is a big fucking deal for some reason. People feel the need to dress up, go out, and party their asses off, but most importantly, make sure the whole fucking thing is duly and thoroughly documented on social media. They Instagram the whole fucking thing - before, after, and during - as if they are covering the fucking Olympics for CNN. Like we get it, you have an eventful social life! But you should know better than to follow such a stupid tradition, here's why:
People Usually End Up Having Too Much Fun
One minute people are civil and the next everybody is rolling, dropping acid, and half in the bag, and you're just sitting there looking like Elizabeth II.
You're Socially Awkward
It's not your fault people are stupid and can't see that Obamacare is a great conversation starter.
You Don't Do Friends
Life is hard enough as it is without the Herculean social burden that is having friends.
You're Broke All Year Round
Do you think I would come to your stupid house party if I could afford to bring my own booze?!
You'll Probably End Up Getting Stuck In Traffic Anyway
You have a better chance of getting laid in Saudi Arabia than getting anywhere in less than an hour and a half in Cairo traffic on New Year's Eve.
Watching People Vomit Is Not Your Idea of Fun
No, I will not hold your hair back while you throw up because there's this thing called human dignity, which I happen to possess!
You're Single As Fuck
Remember that enamoured lap-grinding couple you run into everywhere? With your luck, you're probably going to end up sharing a table with them.