This month a team of international scientists will begin scanning four Egyptian pyramids using state of the art, non-destructive, very sci-fi techniques. Not quite Bruce Banner level science, but still. The technology relies on detecting muons, fundamental particles that pass through people, and other relatively squishy things without slowing down. But, when they pass through dense material, like for instance a bunch of big rocks stacked on top of each other, they bounce around and eventually stop. Detecting these particles will give away any previously unknown spaces inside the Bent Pyramid of Dashour, and The Red Pyramid, along with their two more famous cousins at Giza.
With all the theories flying around, conspiracy and otherwise, about what the pyramids were used for, we figured we would get our own theories out there before a bunch of boring scientists ruin all the fun.
Who doesn’t love cats? There’s something about being bossed around by a fluffy little feline in your own home that speaks to some deep-seated servile urges. The ancient Egyptians loved them so much they actually worshiped cats as part of their religion.
Modern humans erect enormous ridiculous structures for cats to play on, so of course the people who literally worshiped the litter boxes they crapped in, took this impulse to the extreme?
Cairo’s nightlife has always had a certain flair - belly-dancing was invented in ancient Egypt after all - and we are downright certain these scans will reveal hieroglyphs depicting Ramzez XX (that was his DJ name) raving until the break of dawn. Nightclubs are basically tradition in Egypt at this point.
Power Generators (for ancient football stadiums)
One of the most popular theories about the pyramids is that they were ancient power plants that harnessed divine vibrations or some shit to create electricity. So here's what must have happened. The aliens or people from Atlantis or whatever used them to power a super advanced Star Trek civilization of love and peace.
The best thing these benevolent alien overlords brought us with this marvel, besides WiFi, air conditioning, and microwavable pizza of course, is football. When the games ran too long and it got dark they would use magic Tesla coils or something to light up the field and get their football on.
Giant Shisha Pipes
The inside of the pyramids are full of interconnected shafts and chambers that move the air from inside out and vice versa. Now, if the monuments are tombs, what does a dead guy need air for? He doesn’t. But if you fill that bottom chamber up with water, run some hoses out, and light some shisha up in the top bit there, you could smoke out half the population of ancient Egypt!
Spaceport to Deliver Koshary to Orion’s Belt
Another really great theory about the function of the pyramids is that the super advanced alien guys that were running around thousands of years ago used the pyramids as ports for their spaceships. These ships were used for taking care of important stuff like getting to space work and dropping the alien babies off at space daycare. But, with all that running around they needed to get done, what’s an alien overlord to do about dinner?
Between subjugating the human race and getting the dry-cleaning done, nobody would have had time to cook. You bet there would have been spaceships picking up deliveries from the pyramids and zipping all over the galaxy, delivering koshary, and ta3meya sandwiches to all the hungry aliens. Delivery, after all, is a time-honoured tradition in Egypt; it must have started somewhere.
Ancient Workout Facility
Before CrossFit there was PharaohFit. You ever see a painting of a ancient Egyptian with a pot belly? No of course not (don’t even bring up Akhenaten
). That’s because the pharaohs had an excellent exercise regimen.
Running up one side of the pyramids and down the other was the main cardio workout for early Egyptians. Inside the pyramids though was a whole gym to rival Gold's, where they got their formet el Sahel on. That’s why they vary in size so much. Beginner, moderate, and hardcore.
The ancients had a good thing going with their waterparks. Water redirected form the Nile (never mind irrigation) was sent down the “airshafts” of the pyramids. Kids and adults would spent summer days slip and sliding down into the big pool at the bottom. There were even separate chambers for the wave pool and bumper boats.
Illustrations by Gannah Hesham exclusively for CairoScene.