Tired of your man? Here's what to do...
You put on your sexiest outfit, straighten the life out of your hair, apply subtle makeup, and you head out looking flawless. Beyond the cuteness is a girl whose palms are sweating and heart is racing – you have that 'first date' rush and, at the same time, you can't wait to see him. You calm yourself down and step into the car with confidence, and you end up somewhere for a perfect night of wine and dine.
But then, the more you get to know him, the more you find yourself growing tired of him – hey, it happens. Or worse, he may have confided in you about his bizarre fetishes. What the hell do you do? Must. Abort. Mission. And here is how:
Shave, don’t wax. Picture this: you’re sitting along the beach gazing at the stars, as he starts to move closer to gently pet your arm, he'll start wondering when you decided to raise a pet hedgehog on your body. He'll run away. He may even swim across the Mediterranean. He'll never return. This plan is doable for the entire year under different settings.
Friends. When you’re out with him and he's finally meeting your friends, greet your male friends bel a7dan and maybe some bos. Meanwhile, when you get to meet his friends, be really conversational, friendly, and cute. Make his friends like you better than they like him. Studies show that friends getting in the way are the fastest way to end any relationship.
Exes. Randomly (read: deliberately) bring up your favourite ex boyfriends, and your favourite stories with them, while simultaneously reminiscing about how they used to be the perfect boyfriends – showering you with sweet words during nighttime calls, gifts, super romantic dates, and of course, hot makeout sessions. You know what's even better? Reconcile with an ex – if he protests and asks you to stop talking to him, hit him with a “bas howa el best friend beta3i!”
Attire. Wear short dresses and skirts when you’re out clubbing, and don't be shy to reveal some extra cleavage. Wait, you go clubbing aslan?! For everyday situations, wear colours and lengths that draw attention to you, or better yet, that make you appear to have horrible taste.
Go out with a guy alone. Consistently make plans with Ahmed, Mohamed, Youssef, Amr, Ali, and any other guy you know. It'll be fun watching him toss and turn as he drowns in a pool of trust issues and expects you to save his life with answers you're not going to give.
Cooking. You can do one of two things: shamelessly and proudly admit you can’t cook at all, and swear you've never been in the kitchen or lionize your cooking skills – perhaps even throw around comments about your cooking being better than his mama's.
Friendzone him. Or as Egyptian girls would simply put it, “e7na/khaleena ekhwat!” Thank him for all the good times, all the rides, all the amazing favours he's been constantly doing for you, and remind him that we're all brothers and sisters in humanity.
Instagram. Post – stage it if you must - pictures with your male friends, and don't forget to put a caption full of hashtags like, #Blessed #Bestfriends #Lovehim #MySoulmate #HowAreWeNotMarriedYet #HusbandFromAnotherLifetime. If you're on a beach, don't forget to wear a bikini that matches your friend's biceps.
Answer a call. Pick up your phone, always. Be one of those people who are on top of their phone-call-answering more than their life. “Hey habibi” must be your answer to every phone call – even if it isn't a guy on the other end.
Create a Tinder account. Because every guy will be ecstatic to find out the girl he's seeing has an application on her phone – that she's constantly on – where she can have unlimited access to the hottest guys in Egypt. Stay on Tinder, by the way – you may get lucky enough and hook up with a hot Italian.
Essentially, we're telling you to bother him to the point that he can't stand you. But seriously, if you try these, we are not responsible for the consequences – kids, don't try these at home.